Holidailies Day 31: The Last Day

It's the last day of Holidailies. I can't decide if it feels like only yesterday since this month started, or if it feels like this month took freaking forever to get over with. I think it's both. Because wibbly wobbly, timey wimey. Coincidentally, I watched a lot of Doctor Who this month...

I was thinking about the year in review. What else would you do on the last day of the year? It's been particularly eventful I feel. I started pretty darn optimistic, actually. I had a job, had just actually picked up a new student that added a bunch of hours to my schedule, had decided to ditch the credentialing classes that were frustrating me more than teaching me, and was looking forward to my first full year living in one location for 12 months that was not my parent's house. I had realized my tendency to just sit on the sidelines at church, which was my only real social interaction that I counted. So I decided that I was going to make an effort to participate in things more, which ended up looking like going to as many different classes and small groups as I could fit in my schedule because I decided the last time I'd had a social life was college. And what do you do at college except go to classes? Or so I reasoned...

It actually worked fairly well, in my opinion. The only rough bit was in the summer when the events to participate in were at a minimum and I was already in serious emotional difficulty because of the events of May, and my hours at work were cut to boot so then I had way less money all of a sudden. It was not a fun summer, to be sure. But everything picked back up starting in August, except for  money which continued to be an issue plus the growing stress of working a job that was not paying me nearly enough for the amount of effort I was putting in. It wasn't a happy month and a half after I started looking for another job and requested no new students, because I knew what a pain it was to have to look for a new person to replace someone who's already established with a student. I was constantly at odds with my job, coming home mentally and emotionally exhausted after two hours of working with one student, which is not how it's supposed to be. And it's not how it was at first. Something shifted until it was more than clear to all parties involved that it was time for everyone to stop trying to make something work. That in itself was pretty painful, because as crappy as the last weeks were, I still loved the student I was working with and I didn't want to leave the way that I did.

In the midst of all this, everything else was looking up. In the last few months I've finally started to feel like I'm coming out of whatever cloud I've been wandering around in since graduation. I'm still not sure what to do, or what direction I'm going in exactly, but at least I don't feel like I'm rootless on top of it all. I've loved being established, being around to be a part of the same region for NaNo as I was last year, being able to say that I went to one church every week except for when I was on vacation for longer than a few months. College was like a forced transient lifestyle when it came to church, especially since I traveled so much with The Way and I never could find it in myself to attend weekly at my parent's church on breaks because of a number of reasons. I had forgotten what it was like to have that weekly home, how nice it. And since enrolling in Nikao, it's been much more of a home than ever.

So in terms of putting myself out there intentionally into community, I think I won. It wasn't just at church. It was with NaNo too, making an effort to go to a bunch of different write-ins, way more than I did the first two years, and then making the effort to stay at least minimally in contact with a few different people from the region. And also trying to be better about staying in contact with friends from Jessup who are still in the area, and attempting to see them more than once every 6 months. Which has definitely been the case the last few months, and that's been awesome because I love my friends.

As for other things... I don't know. It's hard to quantify everything that happened in a year. And then at the same time look forward to see what 2014 should be like. I'm trying to do at least a few of the self-betterment things that are constantly being bandied about on Facebook this time of the year. I started a 30-day planking challenge, because I figured it would be simple (if not easy). I want to do that thing where you save a graduated amount of money every week because I've experienced first hand this year what it's like to have savings run out on multiple occasions and it's not particularly fun. I figure it'll work because it's a minimal amount of money at first when I don't have a job, and it will increase when I do have a job. Because I will eventually become employed. It has to happen sometime.

Also, I think since I'm being better about not isolating myself, I'm going to focus on walking in my identity. Figuring out my identity was a theme of 2013. Now I need to actually work on accepting if (first things first...) and walking it out so I don't wander around directionless for the rest of my life. Because that's also something that I have figured out is not fun, from experience.

Finally, I found this photo on Facebook today:

I have officially decided to make this a New Year's Eve tradition starting this year that I will eventually pass on to my children. Because it just fits in so well with my personality. And when did a little punny literalism ever hurt anyone? 

Holidailies Day 30: A Songbird, I Am

"How I wish you could see the potential,
the potential of you and me.
It's like a book elegantly bound but,
in a language that you can't read.
Just yet.

You gotta spend some time, Love.
You gotta spend some time with me.
And I know that you'll find, love
I will possess your heart.
You gotta spend some time, Love.
You gotta spend some time with me.
And I know that you'll find, love
I will possess your heart."

Talk about finding Jesus in the odd places. This is a Death Cab for Cutie song, and after the first verse and chorus it loses the parallel to some degree, but this first verse catches me every time. Not to mention the awesome 5 minute guitar intro. It's enough to listen to the song on repeat for hours on end. 

"Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons, they fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down,
If you get lost you can always be found.
Just know you're not alone,
Cause I'm gonna make this place your home."

That's another one I love. Phillip Phillips basically won my heart forever when he first performed this on Idol. Mostly it was because of the musical aspect, because holy crap it's just the most catchy song ever. But then I bought it and listened to it on repeat for days when I moved out again later that year. And, because God is good at timing, it came up again a couple of weeks ago and I've gone back to listening to it on repeat, though not quite for days (yet).

"Oh no, did I get too close?
Oh, did I almost see what's really on the inside?
All your insecurities
All the dirty laundry
Never made me blink one time

Unconditional, unconditionally
I will love you unconditionally
There is no fear now
Let go and just be free
I will love you unconditionally

Come just as you are to me
Don't need apologies
Know that you are worthy
I'll take your bad days with your good
Walk through the storm I would
I do it all because I love you, I love you

[chorus]

So open up your heart and just let it begin
Open up your heart and just let it begin
Open up your heart and just let it begin
Open up your heart

Acceptance is the key to be
To be truly free
Will you do the same for me?"

Okay, so this has to be included, because again, it's been rocking my life and ruining my life since I first heard it. If anything, this is the ultimate proof that God speaks through the most unusual of mediums when this song with THESE LYRICS comes from the same place as "I Kissed A Girl". It still messes with me. Especially the bridge. Come on now.

Today has been largely getting stuff started... getting the job search up and running again, gave 30 day notice for my apartment, came up with hopefully some viable options of places to live after such a time as I move out of my current situation. I've started checking out possibly going to school for my teaching credential soon, as I've been seriously itching to get back in a classroom. Possibly taking the classes on top of working full-time and the School of Leadership thing. Who needs free time?

At any rate, I have to write a cover letter before vacating Starbucks for the night, so I'm going to go do that. Blessings to you all!

Holidailies Day 29: Joy

I go to a church where they talk a lot about joy. The concept of joy, the power of joy, how one gets joy in their life, what one can do with joy. How awesome joy is. The whole 9 yards. This weekend, the entire sermon was three couples from the pastoral team each sharing about their experiences and how they did or didn't maintain joy throughout some ridiculously tough circumstances. I didn't really think much of it, honestly. But then I went to go take notes during worship this morning (because that's how God speaks to me a lot, through my sorting through my own thoughts and actually processing them) and came across a couple of weeks ago another worship note page about how I was looking for more ways to actually have joy. And I felt like it was one of those hints (like God is going "wink, wink, nudge, nudge") saying, you should maybe actually pay attention to this and figure it out.

I've had a hard time with the concept of joy pretty much always. Why? Because joy is more or less the opposite of depression and in looking back over my life I see that I've been struggling with depression since I was at least 12, possibly before that.A Now, for someone that was always complimented on my naturally cheerful countenance (for the most part), this was a hard pill to swallow and I don't think I really ever gave credence to the idea until about 4 years ago. Even then it took me awhile to start dealing with it, at least to the point of controlling it and getting myself stable(ish). It wasn't until this last summer after everything happened with my sister and nephews that I actually actively sought help. In hindsight (always 20/20...) I should have started up on the process as soon as I graduated, if not before. But my particular struggle with depression turns me into the ultimate procrastinator, and I have had to spend months if not years convincing myself that I'm worth the effort of getting help for myself. Depression is a bitch.

Why am I talking about this? One, because I honestly think that it's nothing to be ashamed of and frankly, other people talking about their struggles in this area has helped me tremendously. If only because it lets me know that I'm not the only one who wakes up some days and just doesn't want to do anything. Some days it takes me three times as much effort just to wake up and get dressed. Some days I'm super productive and I wonder why every day can't be like that. Some days I succeed in willing myself into productivity. Some days I fail spectacularly, and that just feeds the mess that I'm already dealing with. Seriously, if failing wasn't so painful, I'd be impressed at the variety and complexity of the ways I come up with to fail. In that way at least, I always maintain creativity. (See, I try to come up with positives...)

Also, I'm talking about it because I'm really tired of being quiet about it. There's a theme in my family where these things aren't talked about, even though I know (because I analyze my family's behavior out of habit to help me figure myself out) that my struggles aren't isolated to just me. It's definitely a generational thing, whether that's because of nature or nurture, and it's not just one side either. But no matter what, it was never discussed. And it was one of those things that I didn't even question until such a time as I was in a place in my life where people did talk about it. Like when you go to a friend's house and discover that everyone's family dinners look a little different. Ironically, the one person that I know for sure dealt with it was my sister, whose name was Joy and who was considered overwhelmingly to live up to her name. That actually baffled me for a long time. How could someone who I KNOW struggled as much with depression as I do, quite possibly more, still be so full of joy? And she was. It was the thing that drew people to her, and she drew a lot of people in her small town. The evidence was in how packed the church was for their memorial service.

Over the past seven months (almost eight now...), after I got over the shock and got my life into some sort of place where I could exist without falling apart in anguish every 5 minutes, my life has more or less been fueled by one major thought: if Joy thought I could do it, I can do it. She thought I could get a job that would pay enough for me to claw my way to financial freedom, I can. She thought I could go back to school and excel in my chosen field, to the point where she offered to create jobs for me in her community (so I could move down there... which was never a goal of mine, but nevertheless she was willing to put her effort there, which meant a lot). She thought that I could reach all those heady goals I set for myself after college, which I was nowhere close to when she died. I'm still not necessarily close, but I'm a heck of a lot closer than I was in May. I was under the impression that I was moving forward then, and it's possible that I was still, but I had stagnated pretty effectively by then. And I hadn't even realized it. Having your life turned upside down tends to shake things up, expose things that you weren't even aware that you were hiding from yourself.

So now I'm going to actually get to why all this leads up to talking about joy. Because if joy is the opposite of depression and I'm really wanting to get rid of depression in my life, then the obvious answer is to get joy and get it right quick. I think on some level I already have. I mean, despite the dire circumstances when it comes to money and living space, I've done pretty well about not freaking out until this weekend. At which point there was a sermon preached on having joy in the midst of dire circumstances. Because God is good at timing like that.

Two verses stood out to me: Nehemiah 8:10b: "Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength." (NIV) In The Voice, my new favorite translation ever, it says, "Do not grieve over your past mistakes. Let the Eternal's own joy be your protection!" Both strength and protection are things that I'm a fan of, as a general rule. They certainly help when dealing with current situations, or even the implications of past situations that are still affecting you. Which is why I love The Voice's translation of the verse so much. 'Cause, come on, the Israelites at this point in time had a LOT of past mistakes to grieve over. They had just listened to a re-reading of the Law which had more or less outlined in bullet points every area they had fallen short in. And for those familiar with the OT, you know that list tended to be pretty long every time it was pointed out to them. But in the midst of that, even under the Old Covenant in it's imperfection, they were told to rejoice and find strength in the joy of the Lord. How much more is this true under the new covenant where any guilt and shame is removed the minute we step into relationship with God? I'm feeling like that's probably the best reason to be joyful right there. Not that there aren't a million other reasons, because the one thing I keep coming back to is that God is good. Unfailingly, overwhelmingly, incomprehensibly good.

Note that while I know this in my head, there's still a long way between head knowledge and living it out. I mean, I know that He is good, and really, have known for awhile. The struggle is believing it, and more so, acting as if it is so. In that way I kind of actually get why James says to count it all joy when you face struggles. Because I've gotten a heck of a lot better in the last month about trusting that somehow even if I have no idea how things are going to work out, that they are indeed going to work out. Not perfect, but the freak-outs have been kept to a minimum which really wouldn't have happened if I was focusing on anything but believing that it's going to work out. And even after the challenge of the last month, I know that this week as I prepare to possibly pack up my life and move to an as yet undetermined location in less than 7 days will be a real good test of how well I'm walking this out. Which is actually more proof in my mind that God is good, because I surely needed the reminder that joy is the key to facing down tough circumstances before this particular week.

I can think of no better way to end this post except for a passage from my second favorite book in the Bible, Philippians. Phil. 4:4-7 says: "Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Which happens to be followed closely by "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Both verses I'm going to be keeping close at hand in the coming week. May they bless you as they have and will bless me.

Holidailies Day 28: Exhaustion

Well, I can tell you one thing: There is something brewing in my head that started tonight and will probably come to fruition either tomorrow or Monday. So at that point, I might have something to write about. Finish off the month on a good, solid, deep note and all that. But tonight I'm just so keyed up and so tired of it that I don't think I can write anything without giving voice to all the turmoil in my head right now. And while I've definitely employed that technique a few times this month, I prefer to be more organized in my thoughts. More analysis, less vitriol. So tonight, this is just an explanation of the events that led up to (are leading up to?) what I'm going to touch on later.

Today started in Reno, where I've been for the last week with family. I left midday and made it back in time to spend about an hour and a half in my room decompressing before heading out to church. Which was awesome, and a kind of poke in the butt in a way (a good way), and also amazing to be back in that community. I'd no idea how much I'd miss having school midweek until I went a whole week without it and now I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to handle this next week that we have left on break.

Thankfully, I got the chance to go and hang out with friends afterwards, which led to a couple of hours of good conversation that was (blessedly) not about job searching or all the other insane circumstances in my life right now. It was more just good, organic conversation that is the most fun (in my opinion). I get tired of only having one or two things to talk about as like, small talk. Like, what did you do this week? Well, recently my biggest answer has been hunting for jobs and that leads to all the same questions. Not that I don't appreciate advice, and often I seek it out. But sometimes, it's just nice to talk about something else. So that was good.

Now I should sleep (the other reason for not doing a big long thought post tonight, because it would take way too long). I'm getting there early tomorrow to help out at the bookstore, so I'm excited about that. I love books. Even if it's painful to not be able to buy any of them. I can pass my love onto others and then ask if I can borrow their books when they're done with them. It works.

Holidailies Day 27: Whoops

So I was doing so well keeping up with this and then... Well, life happened. But I got a new phone! Well, my dad got a new phone. I got his old phone, which is also a very nice phone with a much happier battery life, which was the main issue with my old one.

I think part of the problem (getting back to the original topic) was that I was running around and never got my computer out, which is the main way that I remember to do things on the computer. And I keep forgetting that I finally got the Blogger app set up. It's not as easy, but it's not bad, especially with this new phone. I have the Note 2 now, so I have the shiny stylus to make typing much easier. Hopefully this will result in far fewer typos when I'm using my phone.

There really isn't that much else to talk about. I hunt out with family all day yesterday and on Christmas of course. We went bowling and to an amazing buffet yesterday. I've barely eaten anything all day, and I'm just now starting to get hungry again at noon. And I'm driving back today at some point, because there's all sorts of fun life stuff that I need to do after having a blessed break from the madness. So until tomorrow!

Holidailies Day 24: Twas The Night Before...

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a blogger was stirring... even though she totally should have been.

I just realized what time is was and exactly how much time I had to get a blog post in so this is it! I got caught up in David Tennant (so very easy to do) watching Decoy Bride on Netflix. Pretty awesome romantic comedy. Lots of Scottish accents, so I was quite happy.

Merry Christmas everyone!

Holidailies Day 23: Breakdown

"Once again life's thrown me a curve/and it blew up right in my face/Once again life's rattled my nerves/can't you see that I'm stuck in the place/all because you've given me a breakdown/breakdown oh/breakdown, breakdown oh..." Relient K is one of those bands that has this habit of writing songs that pop into my head just when I'm needing to quantify my life and it feels like. And it does feel like that right now, as I face a wholly uncertain future that has been weighing on my mind despite my attempts to present a cavalier face to the world in day to day conversation. I mean, there are so many options and I'm feeling like I have to weigh and reweigh every single one of them to determine the pros and cons of each and now it's getting to the point where I just have to make a choice and take whatever comes.

I'm hitting the point of the breakdown, especially when this all comes at an especially insane time of the year with the holidays. Don't get me wrong, I love my family. I just have trouble existing in the same space as them sometimes. Holidays are always the time when I'm reminded just how much of an introvert I really am. I've not yet gotten to the point where I just need to take a day and hide in my room and not be around anyone yet. Maybe, if I take more care to get a couple of hours in each day like I'm doing right now I'll avoid that major breakdown point.

Still, it's not just holiday madness. It's also the wonderful equation of stress + short days (always depressing) + a natural low in the ebb and flow of my emotional well being. I'm not a generally anxious person, but when I get to the point where I need to do a bunch of stuff and the natural low makes it feel like I have to expend twice as much energy to get everything done... then stress happens. Then I get to the point where my head hits the pillow and my first thought is "oh God give me good sleep so I have a chance of surviving tomorrow without collapsing."

But even through all of this, at least this time, I'm looking for lessons to be learned throughout all this. Identifying areas where I'm really not handling things well and trying to work on those especially so I can go into the next season, whatever it ends up being, with a better set of skills to work with. I'm getting a real intense crash course in trusting God to provide (which He has, in fact. I mean, I got like a month and a half's worth of groceries in the space of a few days. I'm still in awe of that whole sequence of events). I'm getting a great set of lessons about diligence and motivation. And true to form, no discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful (Hebrews 12 something... one of those verses I'll always remember because it was part of a Bobby McFerrin song).

And this is the part that I'm trying to really work on. We were listening to this book on tape about a fairly new field of bioengineering called biomimicry. The book is called the Shark's Paintbrush, written by the guy who more or less pioneered the field (at least form what he said in the book). I'm not even all that interested in the field, unlike my brother who is apparently enamored with it, but he said one thing that really caught my ear. Talking about his many breakdowns on the way to getting his ideas and products into the market, he said, "The trick is to turn a breakdown into a breakthrough." That caught my attention because it's a concept that's actually taught in my church, or at least the lessons I've been in. Like, that last hardest part where it seems like everything is going wrong is actually the point just before you finally push through to whatever it is you were going for. You just have to lean into it and be intentional about facing your issues. I'm good at facing my issues and acknowledging they're there. Sometimes I even wave, because many of them have been companions for a long time. I'm just not good at pressing into them and poking them until those weak spots become stronger. So I'm working on that. This fairly massive breakdown of a lack of job, possible lack of home, and a distinct not knowing if I'm going in the right direction with previous choices or if I need to admit that I was wrong and back pedal a bit to change course and right myself could turn into a major breakthrough if I can just get myself to press into it.

This verse also came to mind, thinking about how there is this mentality that life gets all hunky dory when you become a Christian. I thought of John 16:33b, "In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." So it's like, Jesus totally tells us outright that it's not going to be easy. A story is boring without conflict, and I've already decided that I'm going to try and make my life a really good story. But He's still on my side, and He's overcome it all already. I just have to learn to walk it that. That will probably be one of my main goals in 2014. Walk in overcoming. Sounds fun!