In Which I have Decided I'm A Jesus Feminist

I've not actually read the book "Jesus Feminist" yet. But I've read Sarah Bessey's blog, I've read reviews of the book, and I just now ordered it because being a member of Barnes & Noble helps shave dollars off of new books prices. Something I appreciate greatly right now. At any rate, I would probably have gotten the book anyway, even without the discount. I'm just way to excited about its existence to not own it. I get like that with some books. Some, I can manage to wait until such a time as it's actually financially wise to buy them, or find them used somewhere. Not so with books that I've been looking forward to for weeks. It just seems sacrilegious to NOT get them. Anyway. That's not the point. The point is that in the two weeks or so since this term "Jesus Feminist" came on my radar, I've been mulling over the term, what it means to me and all that sort of fun stuff. All while fangirling over Sarah Bessey's Blog and the existence of such a book.

This means so much to me, because I've always felt like I kinda fell into the "feminist" mindset by default. Even if I didn't necessarily consider myself a hardcore feminist (because I don't hate men. I'm really a huge fan of them most of the time). Why? Because I was never a huge fan of the idea that women were not equal to men. I mean, I've mentioned before that as a kid, I was as likely to be outside wrestling with boys and helping my dad work on cars and build stuff as I was to be inside, playing dress up or putting large amounts of gaudy play make-up on (there are some pictures I'm glad are lost). I spent a large portion of my life fighting against the idea of being "feminine" because that seemed like it was portrayed as weak, especially in the context of the Church. I got a lot of "stop running around, why can't you sit still, be quiet, don't speak out, don't have an opinion, just hang out in the kitchen" from my early years. Even the very idea of buying clothing made for women was foreign to me until I was 16 or 17. There are a lot of reasons for that, most of which I don't have time to go into today.

But this idea of being a Jesus Feminist. Of accepting your identity as one that was God-given, and powerful, no matter what gender, no matter what background, no matter what. I love the video that Sarah posted on her blog yesterday, a video that mostly consists of a compilation of the pictures that have been being uploaded on the Jesus Feminist Facebook page (definitely worth checking out). But at the very beginning, she explains why she wrote the book and that really got me. It's very much in line with a theme in my life lately, namely, "how then shall we live?" I've gotten that the old way isn't necessarily the best way of doing things. In some areas of my life, it's out and out the worst way of doing things. In that area of how the Church treats women, it's really not a shining example of a city on a hill in most cases. But she poses the question: After we've decided that Jesus was actually a pretty huge fan of women, and saw them as equals in the Kingdom of God (Paul anyone? There is neither slave nor free, male nor female... I know I'm paraphrasing, but you get the point) how then shall we live? How do we walk it out, become an "outpost for the Kingdom of God" as she says in the video. How does the revelation that women are as powerful as men, and meant to walk as equal partners and co-laborers in the Kingdom transform our lives?

For me it's realizing that there doesn't need to be a break between being secure in my identity as a woman and being powerful. That's not something that comes easily to me. In fact, just last weekend a Facebook friend of mine posted about being one of those women who broke the glass ceiling while wearing heels, to point out that being feminine does not mean being weak. I think I read that post 30 times to try and wrap my mind around it. This concept is so foreign to me, for some reason. It shouldn't be. It's not like I haven't known and/or read about many women who are totally feminine and still manage to kick butt. But it never fully translated into something that looked like, "oh hey, I could maybe try this and not freak out." So that's something I've been examining recently. Why I still cling to the notion that being a tomboy and liking "not girly things" means I'm not feminine, no matter how many times my awesome friends have called me on my crap in that particular area of life. It's been a huge thing in my life, where I refuse to/am scared of anything that strikes me as overtly feminine, and I know it needs to change. What could accepting my identity as a woman change in my life? Jesus is really actually on board with me doing that, I've found.

And eventually, you know, I should probably listen to Jesus. Being His disciple and all that.

So therein lies a huge reason of why I'm excited for this book. Because I've always been one who thinks that girls should be strong, but I've rarely ever been one who connected that with them being girls. Because I really need to work out that area of my life. More and more, I find that I need to be a whole person, and ignoring the part of my identity that is arguably the most permanent is not the best way to do it. Or so I've realized.

Whew. How's that for honesty.

(Sidenote: Now, after all that I get to go write for my hugely emotionally charged novel... because I'm crazy like that. There will likely be another post in the near-ish future about stuff I've already learned, less than a week in.)

I'm In Love With a Church Girl - In Review

So last week, I got the chance to go visit my aunt in the Bay Area and she happened to be able to get me a free ticket to go see this new Christian movie, "I'm In Love With A Church Girl." So first, thank you to my aunt and to the guy who bought the tickets. It's always nice to get a movie for free. I posted about it on Facebook and promised to give a review and then promptly put it off while I tried to collect my thoughts. Which I think I've managed to do now. And I'd like to start it off saying that this is all just my opinion and people should totally go see it for themselves if they want to figure out if I was totally off.

Honestly though, I was a little wary of what I was walking into. Because, as I've written about earlier this year, my general relationship with Christian art has not been entirely positive. I have a low tolerance for low quality work from Christians when we have the ultimate connection to God, the Creator of All The Things.

Having said that, it gives you insight into how I went into this movie. Knowing that it was based on a true story, and desperately hoping that this would help it feel more real. It was interesting, watching it in the location where it was filmed (we were in San Jose, and if you're familiar with the area, this guy who the movie is about is now a pastor at Church on the Hill). Lots of people from the myriad of churches and Christian schools in the area, lots of cheers when popular local areas and sites popped up. Kinda surreal to see areas that you know on the big screen, but that's beside the point.

I'll start with the basic plot (SPOILER ALERT from here on out): Think redemption story. The synopsis from the website says:

"Cars. Good looks. Mansions. Money. Women. Miles Montego has it all. Including a past. He was king of the streets as a high-level drug trafficker, and although he has tried to move on, the DEA isn’t convinced. Miles is still rolling with his old friends and colleagues, and the feds are certain he has not fully retired from his criminal past. When Miles meets Vanessa Leon, a woman who is different than every other woman he’s met, he is drawn to her beauty and her faith. She is a “church girl” in every sense of the word. Increasingly, he is torn between a life that he knows and a love that he feels. As Vanessa experiences his lavish lifestyle, mobster-type friends, gun play, and encounters with past women, Vanessa must reconcile her faith in God and her growing love for Miles. Both are tested to their last ounce of faith and strength in God and each other. God continues to chip away at Miles through struggles from his past, having to live up to his reputation, feelings of unworthiness, the death of his mother, federal charges, his friends being indicted, the strain on his relationship with Vanessa, almost losing her in a near-fatal car accident, and finally the spiritual breakdown that brings him on his knees to face God one-on-one.

I’M IN LOVE WITH A CHURCH GIRL is a powerful, inspiring story of a love between a man and a woman, a gift of second chances, and a family at home and in church that never stops praying and believing."

Honestly, the first thing I thought when I read this was, "well, whoever wrote this clearly doesn't understand the value of leaving a plot-twist or two in mystery." It literally lines up everything that happens in the movie. But I was still determined to give it a chance, because really who can fault a slightly over-informative synopsis? It happens. Let it go. 

So the movie was written and produced by the guy who it all happened, to, named Galley Molina. If you Google the guy (which I did just now, because I was curious as to the real details of the story) you see that he's huge in the entertainment industry. Before he was a Christian, he was huge into the music and film business and he's continued in that since converting, just diverting his considerable resources to "more Godly" versions of the real deal. Which totally explains the first thing I was suitably impressed with about the movie: The cinematography and production was really quality. Honestly. It wasn't reminiscent of a soap opera, or super jumpy or any other major quality issues. It focused a little too much on solo close-ups mid conversation for my taste, but that's just a stylistic thing that I just don't like that much.

Personally, I prefer the sort of indie style of cinematography (think Juno, Scott Pilgrim, Away We Go, etc.) so it felt a little clean cut to me, and way flashy. But it was still really good quality.

So, with the writing, acting and soundtrack... I'll start with the acting. It had good moments and bad moments. The good moments included the points where the writing allowed for people to actually get mad or just overwrought, as well as the more natural interactions between the Miles and Vanessa. The scene where Miles finally breaks down and has a screaming fit at God before repenting was particularly powerful. It was when they got into the heavy conversations with one or more people that it started feeling wooden to me. Like, there were still some good moments, but they were fewer and farther between.

Now for the writing. While I give absolute kudos to Galley Molina for taking on the writing of a screenplay about his own life, for the sake of creative license, I feel that he should have at least had ONE co-writer who was a more experienced writer. In all the list of his creative accomplishments, I saw music and movie producing, not writing, which makes a difference. Now, if this had been in a non-fiction book format, the sort of writing might have been more okay. As it was, it fell below the line of quality on my scale. But the good first.

The movie's message was great, saying that God can redeem everything no matter how far gone you are. (Note: while in the movie Miles didn't got to jail, Galley actually did, which is where he started writing this whole thing out.) I mean, you can't argue with that. Also, good: They hit up topics relating to dating/falling in love with an unequally yoked couple. Or in non-Christianese, one Christian, on non-Christian. Things like what happens when he is sexually frustrated and happens upon Song of Solomon (one of the funniest scenes of the movie. He likened it to late-night HBO). What happens when a sheltered Christian girl encounters the kind of world where loaded pistols are kept in glove boxes. What a person's reaction is when they're searching, but are faced with personal tragedy (his mother dying suddenly). A holiday church-goers reaction to things like tithing and worship music and your average sermon. How a Christian has to show grace to deal with a dark past. That part I particularly appreciated. There was very little condemnation and lots of grace in dealing with Miles as he was searching.

So that was the positive. The negative was (in some minds) me nitpicking. But there were some things that consistently show up in Christian movies that drive me nuts. First is a simple equation: Often wooden acting + every cliche Christian line you can think of = Serious cheese. For the record, my definition of a cliche is something that is usually absolutely true, it's just been said so often as a cure-all without any real feeling behind it that turns it into something people roll their eyes at. That being said, I feel like so often truths about Christ, statements that are actually really valuable, are turned into cliches because they are said so often, or in such a tone, that they become not relateable. In my mind, that's what happened here. It has to strike a balance. If it sounds like you're just saying it because you think it's what you should be saying, not because you feel it (which is what happened here), or if it's so filled with sincerity that any logical person would gag, you're not hitting it. I realize this seems like a small thing to some people. But it frustrates me, because we have this overwhelmingly awesome God that is infinite and mighty and people can only find 20 things to say about Him over and over again, and not even with feeling. 

Second negative was the missionary dating aspect. I realize that it's a true story, and that's how it happened so there's not a lot you can do about it. Heck, it's really what the whole movie is about. So this is probably unreasonable of me. I just think it bears mentioning that it is not a reasonable assumption to think that just because it does happen means that it happens all the time. That's all.

And while I'm not sure exactly how it happened in real life, in the movie is seemed too easy. Like, she got everything material and all she had to do was covert the guy. They were very careful to show her as not caring about the money, but come on now. It was obvious that it was part of what drew her to him at first. Again that may be nitpicking. Also, I was actually kinda disappointed that the movie didn't show him going to jail like his friends did. It was like he got off scot-free for some serious stuff, when in reality he didn't. 

The other big thing for me was that the story felt clunky. The flow was forced.

The biggest thing for me though was that it could have been SO much better. That's what disappointed me the most. I mean, you've got real life gold here. Things happen in real life that no fiction writer could ever come up with, unless it had already happened to them somehow. To take such a powerful story and water it down with less-than-stellar writing just seems wrong to me. I understand that Galley Molina lived this story. I understand how difficult it is to let something like that out of your grasp, and let other writers put their grubby mitts all over it. All the same, the first rule of any Creative Writing class is that workshopping is a thing, it's a good thing, and it will eventually make you a better writer and will definitely improve your writing. It hurts like crazy, especially when it's your own retelling of personal experience they're tearing apart, but it's worth it. Also, if it's a retelling of your life that you're trying to convert to a different format, it's highly valuable to have someone experienced in that field come alongside and co-write to make sure the transfer happens well. *sigh* I'm going to stop now.

Finally, the soundtrack. It was, again, well produced and fairly good quality music of it's own merit. The problem I had with it was that it seemed like they wanted the soundtrack to be the vehicle for all the feelings the actors weren't doing so great at showing at times. So while the actors are reciting a Bible verse uber-sincerely, but without huge amounts of expression, the music was like a flashing neon sign saying, "JUST IN CASE YOU DIDN'T KNOW HOW YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO FEEL HERE, WE'RE GOING TO FORCE IT ON YOU!" Or like, "THIS IS A SUBTLE DRAMATIC MOMENT, JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE YOU NOTICED!" That part bugged me. Just a little bit.

So that's what I thought about it. Overall, the movie was well produced and occasionally well acted. It had a good message, one that I think needs to be heard more than the "turn or burn" train of thought. I wouldn't go so far as to call it well written, but that's me. On a scale of 1-5, I would give it a high 3 in terms of overall quality. If this seems harsh, sorry. Like I said in my last post, I get super critical of stuff that other Christians do because I so desperately want to be able to walk into a Christian movie and be able to walk out giving it sparkling reviews. Hopefully that happens next time...

Relationships With Words, People and the Church

Words are a double-edged sword. I didn't need anyone to actually tell me this, I found it out on my own. First, I found out by saying the wrong thing a whole lot of times, until it finally caught up to me that I was kinda good at using words to really hurt people. After that, I retreated into myself, trying not to say anything for fear of saying something offensive. I learned during this time though that I'm really, really, really BAD at not saying anything. Seriously, so bad. I'd resist until I couldn't stand it anymore and then I'd go off on people in a way that was way more harmful than it would have been had I just stuck with speaking my mind off the cuff. Because I'd have time to think about it, to formulate exactly why they were wrong, why they sucked, why they should obviously be the ones to change everything about their life, while I sat there content in my right-ness, not doing anything. And, being totally honest, most of that criticism is aimed at the Church as a whole and the various ways in which being human is not allowed within our culture.

God has been teaching me a lot about THAT attitude.

Mostly, I've been learning about tempering criticism with love. Not speaking in such general terms that I unintentionally criticize people who I actually agree with (I hear all of my English teachers ever, telling me that using direct, concise language is the key to writing well, like a chorus). This is very difficult for me, especially when I get passionate about a subject and I just want to run off and say All The Things! that are going on in my mind.

For instance (because this is what inspired this post), I found this blog today and started reading some really overwhelmingly awesome stuff about women who are standing up to the norm in the church and speaking out for the outcasts, the people who live on the edges, the people who always felt like "doing church" was not consistent with who they really were. My reaction to it was visceral, because I relate to it so very much. I was a tomboy growing up in a church culture that practically idolized the 1950s housewife. I was told that if I didn't want to wear a pretty, flowery dress and lacy socks with cute shoes to church on Sundays, I wasn't respecting the sacredness of God's house. I went to every Sunday School event, every summer at camp (which were by far my favorite times, because no one at camp expects you to wear dresses AND you still get to learn about Jesus), every youth conference, a youth group where I was mocked for hanging out with the nerdy boys, and a youth group where I was accepted and encouraged and found freedom to be myself for the first time. I tried a few women's events, but being that I was still in high school, and not anywhere near being a mother or a wife or even an adult, I found little there for me. Plus my general dislike for canned sentiments and shallow cliches that would be true is there was even an ounce of sincerity behind it really didn't jive well with the "traditional" Women's ministry outline. But that's more of an issue with the Church as a whole and not just specific areas of it.

And not just that, I was a outspoken, opinionated female who also happened to be about 20-30 years younger than most of the leaders in my churches. Who were mostly men. I've written about that before, not all that long ago. When my friend and I spearheaded the effort to start a youth group newsletter, with ourselves at the helm of writing it, the lack of support from that majority of that church body was resounding.

But I digress. Given that background, and the fact that I'm still in the Church today, there had to be something that made me stick around all this time, right? There was. Well, someone. Jesus. I couldn't ever shake the feeling, even when I was in the midst of filling my journals with angsty rants about how I always felt like I was wearing a mask so that people wouldn't be offended by the "real me," that this was not how it was supposed to be. That there was supposed to be freedom. Freedom and love. And grace. Lots of that. So I went on a search for it, and found it in a church that has been rocking my life for the last 4 years or so. And all of a sudden, I was looking back, seeing with clear eyes all the things that the churches I'd been in had done wrong, all the beliefs and subtle contexts that had backed me into a corner of chains and guilt and shame. Problem was/is, this is happening at a time when I'm also finding my writing voice, honing my ability to craft words into really sharp blades that can draw a lot of blood from innocent bystanders if they aren't wielded carefully.

So what is the point of all this? It's mostly an apology. I realized recently that the reason I'm so very hard on the Church is because I love it so much, it kills me to see Christians hurting people, driving people away, hurting themselves with wrong thinking, and generally not living free. Like seriously, I just want to grab the Church's face and shake them and be like "DO YOU NOT SEE WHAT YOU'RE DOING TO PEOPLE WHO ARE HURTING AND SEARCHING??? INCLUDING YOURSELVES????" Except for that's kinda impossible, as the Church doesn't actually HAVE a physical face and even if it did, it'd probably be way too big for me to grab it. So I content myself with writing, about anything and everything that I see is wrong.

Problem is, I forget to mention that I see what's right too. I see people who are changing, and trying to figure out how to be better. I realize that people are in fact human and not perfect, and that the incomprehensible Grace and Love that is so precious to me has been extended to them too. I'm working on the whole "how to write well and offend, but in a loving way" concept, because I do believe that you can't state a strong opinion without offending someone. Even true things. Truth is offensive to many, for a variety of reasons. Also, I don't claim to always write truthful things. I feel like that's an important addition to this confession. I just call it as I see it and pray that God uses my words to touch someone out there. Use that cool sword I made to knight some people, not behead them.

I can't really think of a better way to end this than post this song that's been overwhelming my life. And it's by Katy Perry (speaking of lessons on how to amend previous negative views...). It's like, the coolest ever love song from Jesus to us, even if that wasn't how it was meant. It's my new catchphrase that I'm trying out: Doesn't matter, still Kingdom.

A Collection of Thoughts

For the record, the above video may or may not have anything to do with the subjects covered. But it's what I've been listening to on repeat for the last few days, and I'm absolutely enthralled. So I'll share it wherever I can.

These last couple of weeks have been very eventful. I have been busy, way more busy than just about any time in my life since college and especially since May. But I haven't gained enough distance from the events of May 5th to really dig into the full extent of what that day has done to my life. Except for it led to the current busy state of my life, albeit indirectly. Mostly because, when your life is ripped away for a time and then handed back in a pile of tatters, where do you really have to go besides up?

Recover, rebuild, heal, whatever you want to call it, I've been doing it, since I managed to get my butt off the ground again. So now I'm doing this awesome thing at church, Nikao School of Leadership. Nikao is Greek for overcome, victory. Because really, isn't the whole point of leadership to lead people into victory and help them overcome, whatever that may look like? Minor detail: you first have to learn to do it yourself. Thus, the School. It marks one of the reasons I'm now busy 5 nights a week, accounting for two nights. And two nights that I already look forward to, even though we're only in the third week.

Leadership is an interesting concept to me. I've always been a somewhat natural leader, being halfway an oldest child. In many ways it was thrust upon me as something I had to learn to do, whether or not I wanted to. But most of the time I wanted to, because let's be honest, being a leader tends to mean people are listening to you. And that was what I craved above all else.

Now, I just write (though sometimes I forget to finish a thought on the same day that I started it). Which leads to the latest fun development in my life! NaNoWriMo!!!!!! (NaNoWriMo Home) This isn't exactly a new thing, seeing as this is my third year doing NaNo. But I will be trying something new this time around, and actually writing something that will be more serious than tongue-in-cheek. The last couple of years were fantasy novels that tended very heavily towards dry humor and satire. This year though, I'm attempting a contemporary, New Adult (which is the term for Young Adult-style but for audiences over 18) story about a highly contested subject.... SEX! (Yes, I realize I internet-yelled that word. Don't ask me why.)

Seriously, I'm going to try and work out a way to write about a group of new adults (probably ages 17-19) trying to work out what it means to be pure in a society that is decidedly not pure. I'm working on coming up with different religious and cultural backgrounds for the characters, so that I can draw from as many viewpoints as possible. For the record, I'm going to skip the characters actually having sex part, and mostly just talk about it a lot. And mostly, learning how to make healthy decisions in this one highly important area of life when there are so many different messages coming at them from sources that do not agree AT ALL.

Why attempt such a huge thing in just a month? Well, because I'm crazy. But we already knew that, because this is the third time I'm choosing to willingly put myself through the madness that is NaNo. Also, because I think it's something that needs to be written about with a solid dose of grace and mercy thrown in. It may or may not be overtly Christian in message, but you can sure bet Jesus will be there guiding the conclusions they come to. Additionally, this topic about how different cultures, particularly the Christian sub-culture, view sex and teach about it has been on my heart and mind a lot for years now, because it gets to be such a hot topic with so much division stemming from this one area of life. And I don't think anyone really gets it right all the time, when it comes to the healthiest way to treat your body. And make relationship decisions. And learn that ever important fruit of the Spirit, Self-Control.

So yeah. I'm being pretty open when I say that part of the reason I'm writing this is as a form of therapy and getting myself to a place where I have a better, more healthy understanding of this whole area of life where, frankly, my education was sorely lacking.

AND on that note. I would like to put it out there, for anyone who might have a different perspective on the issue than I do (which is probably most of the people who read this), I'd love to collect thoughts and opinions and resources that you know of supporting your views. It would be a great help. Thanks muchly, in advance!

The Trials of Being a Geek, a Girl and... a Christian?

So I've been derping around the interwebs a lot lately, coming across more and more posts about how geek girls are way under-represented in geek culture discussions as a whole. Well, that and objectified way more than in the world of the non-geeks, where cretins reign supreme. Or so they say. Then today, I came across another such article, written by a guy who basically said, "If you guys are so concerned about finding a geeky girlfriend, how about treating geeky girls like humans every once in awhile." Frankly, I was a fan.

Story time:

See, I've always been considered a tomboy. In elementary school I was just as likely to be outside rolling around in the mud and racing the boys as I was to be in my room reading Babysitter's Club and pretending my barbies were Justin Timberlake and Britney Spears (don't judge). In junior high, I discovered Lord of the Rings, and other similarly geeky fandoms and fell in love. And outside of my room, I was still the girl who was wrestling with the guys, couldn't understand why it was less socially acceptable than it had been a year before, and when I finally did figure that out, spent large amounts of time mourning the fact that I was seen as one of the boys. High school found me geekier, really not a huge fan of most of the guys I was forced into association with, and finally kinda sorta admitting that I was a girl and should maybe get over that someday.

So now what was the point of that minor history lesson? So you can see where I'm coming from. I spent my life being teased for one of three things: 1) Because I was a girl and smaller and weaker than most of my friends. 2) Because I was unashamedly a geek. 3) Because I was a Christian, and thought that being a geek and being a Christian could co-exist. Why number three? Because either I'm in secular forums where the majority of people there spend a decent amount of time ridiculing Christians for their illogical beliefs, or I'm in Christian forums where the genres of fantasy, sci-fi and almost everything else I love get lambasted because they're demonic (true story). Add that to the fact that I'm a girl, and there are large factions in all three of the realms I live in (everyday life, geekdom and Christendom) who see me as a lesser being because of that. Let's just state the obvious and say that I really don't agree with that assessment of my identity.

Let's pull this apart piece by piece. What world do I live in, and why am I constantly looked down on wherever I turn? I'll start with the easiest. Normal everyday life, where everyone who has ever listened to a feminist speak knows that girls get the short end of the stick very often just because. Male supremacy, cavemen who believe that our place is in the kitchen and in their beds, etc. This, while changing, still represents a significant portion of society. The objectifying, the standard of "beauty", all that, that's another subject. Suffice to say that if I'm working with a guy, and I'm tasked with proving my competency, I get ready for a marathon.

Next up, one of my refuges. Geek culture. Strong female characters became a trend in the sci-fi/fantasy and the women around the world rejoiced! Finally, role models for those who really didn't care to become actual models! Then the other side of the shoe dropped... 95% of the time, these strong women were also clothed in skin-tight fabric that covered less than your average fig leaf. And then you get the tendency that geeky guys have to want girls to prove themselves 5 times over to be accepted as a "true geek" and not just some girl who pretends to like this stuff because she's too ugly to get guys in other cultures (disclaimer, this is not my opinion, these are things I've heard more times than I can count from both guys and girls). Okay, so I prove myself, again and again. I play the games, I read the books, I watch the movies, I live and breathe the TV shows. I've effectively made myself an outcast from other areas of society because this is where my passion lies, same as any guy who went to Middle Earth to escape the world for a little while. And now I come to this place, where you claim to build up those who have been scorned by the majority for their passionate love for worlds that only exist in our heads, and I find that you really only meant guys are welcome. Girls are still objectified, mocked, told to make sandwiches, or go find a girly hobby to pursue, like Olympic level shopping (for the record, I love shopping... for books and games and gadgets). Oh, also, the majority of geek culture isn't really a fan of Christianity (which is not without cause), so I get a lot of flack for that too. But still, I stay and take it because this is what I love, more than anything else (except Jesus).

Which brings me to the final area of my life. The Church. Which (correct me if I'm wrong) was commissioned to take in the poor and the outcasts and anyone else who wants to enter into the Kingdom. And with all those people, there's bound to be some diversity right? So why is it that the largest opposition I get comes from the Church? Let me clarify, not from God. As far as God and I are concerned, my passions are okay with Him, because they made me who I am, which is His child and loved as such. No, from the Church, those who are tasked with being his hands and feet and mouth, which seems to be the part they love the most. Not that I'm not a fan of being the mouth myself on occasion, or else why would I be writing this? But seriously. In the Church, I've encountered some very non-Biblical attitudes from people who claim to base their whole life off of the Bible. In the interest of grace, I'll allow that I've not managed to apply it to every area in my life either. But at least I admit it. Moving on.

These attitudes basically boil down to this: You're not qualified to speak on this subject/hold authority here because you are (insert option here). Options: a. Younger than 50. b. A girl. c. You believe that you won't go to hell for reading Harry Potter. d. You play that one game that features a world that worships more than one god. e. You're a girl who thinks she's intelligent (which is obviously impossible). f. Did we mention you spend most of your time reading things that aren't real, which means you're not grounded in reality?

Let me step back and paint my vision of what I believe Christianity to entail: Loving everyone, as Christ loves them. Understanding that Christ loves them no matter what gender they are, what political persuasion they are, what age they are, or what books, movies and TV shows they choose to occupy their time with. He still died on the cross for them, so we should still love them. Sounds simple, right? It is. Unfortunately, it's not all that easy. Add the human part of the equation in, and we make everything way more complicated than it has to be. Which makes everything that much more difficult. It's our gift. Which creates the Christian cultures where everything from mythology to superheroes get looked down on (no matter how many Biblical parallels exist in such things... I could write a book on that, but I won't right now). And oh by the way, everything that is considered okay is boring. Unless it was written by people who also studied mythology and philosophers that most Christians claim are the devil incarnate (J.R.R. Tolkien, C.S. Lewis, Madeline L'Engle, need I go on?). Before I go off on a rant on anti-intellectualism in the Church, let me just say: This is why the geek culture overwhelmingly hates the Church. Because so many Christians spend so much time trashing the very things the geeks build their lives around, and oh by the way Jesus loves you.

And girls in the Church! Oh, that's almost a whole other blog post. Basically, just go to Rachel Held Evans' blog and read all her blog posts, and her book about the subject. One of her biggest fights? Modesty in the Church, and how the line some Christians take on it seriously objectifies women. Now, where have I heard that before? Also because I'm a woman I'm not allowed to speak, or hold authority, or cut my hair, or any other number of things that have shaky authority at best. But oh yeah, I'm still totally a Child of God, same as any man.

Back to my part in all this. Where exactly am I supposed to turn? As a person who has to live and work in normal society, I get looked down on because I'm a woman and a Christian. In geek world, I not only have to prove myself worthy to be included in it, I then still get looked down on because I'm a woman and a Christian. But I still get more acceptance in the geek world than anywhere else, and really where else am I going to find a large community of people who share my interests because I'm a Christian. And in Christianity, where I should find the most acceptance of all, being a geek may or may not be a sin. The jury is still out on that. So really? Where do I turn?

(Disclaimer: I'm aware that I made sweeping generalizations, and that there are people in all three areas who are enlightened. This is a rant about the majority, and it should be taken as such.)

How To Transform the World

The subject of transforming the world has been on my heart a lot lately. Particularly in the area of art. Being both an artist, and definitely possessing an artistic personality AND being a Christian raised in a very traditional culture can be difficult. Often, I would find books and/or music that just spoke to me in that uniquely spiritual way that can only be achieved by the Holy Spirit, only to have that condemned because I found the book at the library, and it had no visible references to Jesus in it. So I would try and go back to only Christian art for awhile, but let's face it, that can only tide a person over for so long before you get bored. Particularly if you're a stickler for the quality. This is not to say that there isn't good Christian art around. More like, it's thin on the ground sometimes, where in more artistic cultures outside of "Christendom" you can't turn around without running into another brilliant artist. Most artists you run into will tell you the same thing.

I should stop that train of thought now, because this isn't supposed to be a rant about the quality of Christian art - or lack of it. I mostly point it out to lead to my actual point: How to make it better. There is a theme in my life right now, and in the church that I attend. It is that this whole thing where Christians are looked down upon, or outright mocked (as often by other Christians as by the rest of the world) for our substandard creative work is just wrong. So wrong. Like, there are hardly even words to describe how messed up this is. Why, you ask? I'll tell you. As Christians, we have a direct connection, an intimate personal relationship with the Creator of the whole WORLD. Everything that we see, everything that we draw our inspiration from, He created. And we get to have conversations with Him all the time. Every day. We have full access to all that creative brilliance that He embodies. He lets us use it, and with it we have the capability of creating art that is not only spiritually significant, but is critically GOOD. Not just good, but awesome, amazing, brilliant, fantastic, inspired, and any other cool synonym you can think of.

Now the question is HOW? How do we put this awesome capability into action? This is a question I've been asking myself for awhile, once I realized that JUST working to develop my craft in traditional ways wasn't enough. Thankfully, that changed over the weekend when I went to a conference at my church, specifically for artists. The whole day was transcendent, and it was so timely. I finally got answers to a lot of the outstanding questions I'd had about this area of my life. Those revelations are mostly what the rest of the post will be about. Because I think they're crazy awesome, and I'm beyond thankful that I was able to go and absorb all this wisdom from a ton of seriously anointed people.

It's funny, because I had this art teacher in 6th and 7th grade, who taught us to always ask God what He wanted us to create before we started on anything. Funny because at the time I thought she was absolutely insane. I had no way to quantify the idea of God actually speaking into my life, and art at that time. Now though, I realize that this was possibly the best thing anyone ever taught me in school. One of the speakers, Jennifer Eivaz taught on how being in the presence of God is the best way to make your mind Christ-like. This seems like it should be a no-brainer, but it is so difficult to remember sometimes. Romans 12:2 says, "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is-his good, pleasing and perfect will." The passage goes on to list some gifts of the Spirit, and then onto a discourse on loving your brothers and sisters in Christ (my other favorite topic. This is why I love Romans). But this verse is so overused, and so misused sometimes. It becomes an excuse for Christians to hide away. The problem is, that is not what the verse is saying at all. It is saying that as a part of your spiritual act of worship (which is offering your whole self to Christ as a living sacrifice, per verse 1) you are pretty much incapable of being conformed to the world. If your whole self is determined in and through Christ, there's no way you're going to conform to the world. Just isn't going to happen. Instead, your mind get's transformed which is what Jennifer was talking about. Your mind is the source of everything. It's where all your actions are determined, where all your thoughts about yourself reside. If your mind is out of sync, everything is out of sync. That's why the majority of attacks from people are mental. If you can undermine an enemy's thoughts, that's the best way to destroy everything they could do to resist you. So Paul instructs us to give our whole selves to Christ, and let Him transform our minds. So that we can resist the attacks that would undermine us and trample our enemies instead of the other way around.

What does this have to do with art? Simple. Art, in particular, is based in the mind. One of the other things that I learned from the conference was that the act of creating is primarily about bringing the unseen into the seen. That's what God did when He created the world. That's what he does when He creates every human being. But to bring the unseen into the scene, our mind has to be transformed enough to see the unseen clearly. Also, we have to be utterly confident in our ability to communicate it, and to do that we need to have a clear view of our own identity in Christ. Which goes back to the transforming of the mind.

Furthermore, if we are creating from a place of true identity in Christ, and confidence not in our own abilities by their own, but in His ability to use them to His glory, we can create things that are drenched in so much favor that it's almost impossible for them to not be successful. This is the revolutionary part. It doesn't matter what your medi genre it is, whether it's Christian in topic or not, it will be a vehicle to establish God's glory on this earth. This is the part I'm still working on. The transforming of the mind is a simple process, but difficult. It requires us to actually put the effort in, to work with God on this. But He's loving and infinitely patient, so we can always get there. And when we do, imagine what could happen.

Imagine a world where Christians don't imitate the art of the world (which is, in and of itself an imitation of the purest form of creation which is of God). Imagine a world where we set the trends in the art culture. We bring in the sound that defines a generation. We create paintings that people can't help but buy. We write the books that touch millions of people. Where we use all of these things to redeem that which the Enemy has twisted. That's what my goal is. To write books that aren't "Christian," just God-breathed. To write something that will be the defining experience for a young generation of readers, like the books I read when I was in Jr. High and High School, which still govern much of how I view the world. This is what I plan on working towards while I'm in between schooling. Or while I'm at school. Pretty much all the time. Spending time with Jesus. Letting Him transform my mind. Letting that flow through my fingers onto a page.

I can't think of a better way to end this than a song that's been rocking my world for the past month or so.
"Bless the Lord, O my soul. O my soul. Worship His holy name. Sing like never before, o my soul. I'll worship Your holy name. (v.2) You're rich in love, and You're slow to anger. Your name is great, and Your heart is kind. For all Your goodness, I will keep on singing. Ten thousand reasons for my heart to find!"

No Condemnation

Romans 8:1 - "Therefore there is then no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus."

That is quite possibly my favorite verse in the whole entire Bible. And not just the verse, because the context of the verse is what makes it so completely awesome. But that verse speaks a truth that I had a hard time accepting for a very long time, and that's more or less the theme of what I want to communicate right now.

First I feel like I should probably make something clear. I'm a fan of the Church. I may forget to mention that, but I love having a place that I can go where people are there to exhort and build up. There have been times in my life when I haven't gone to church regularly, and it was pretty much the worst.

Having said that, I have been around a lot of different churches and a lot of different church cultures, and I've started to notice themes. One is that for a people who follow a God who offers no condemnation, there is an overwhelming amount of condemning going on. And it might not even be noticed by those doing it. It's something I've been reading a lot in different places, blogs, some sermons at my church the last couple of weeks. There is this Christian culture that seems to thrive on finding ways to disguise condemnation. We put pretty labels on it, but it's still there, still eating away at the hearts of those who are shamed. And it hurts our witness.

It's not just Christians condemning other people though. I mean, that's a part of it, but there's a deeper root to it. There's this particular way of viewing humility that in my experience basically means that to be "humble before God" you have to decide that you suck and you should also hate yourself. Now think about this. Christians are called to love right? Specifically to love others as you love yourself. So it's kinda hard to love others with the fullness of love if you hate yourself. I'm not under the impression that Christ meant this commandment to be taken that way. It follows that if we're not supposed to hate ourselves, we're probably supposed to love ourselves.

"But wait," you may say, "if I love myself how can I be humble? How can I become less so Christ can be more?"

I think part of God's purpose for all our lives is to find out identity in Christ, and this is where that helps. When you accept Christ, you get this whole clean slate, where you don't have to be that person who was super messed up anymore. You get to take His view of your being and adopt it, make it into who you are. And He loves you, loves me, loves us SO much! The echos of His love carry over the centuries. Whole books are written simply about one aspect of His love. The Bible is pretty much one big "God loves you, and this is what He went through to show you that!"

If God loves us THAT much, who are we to tell Him, "no, you're wrong, I suck and I know it?" He's pretty clear on the fact that He thinks we're the best creations ever, so it doesn't seem wrong to me to be okay with yourself if He thinks that highly of you.

I'm not talking about not acknowledging faults, or turning the gift of love and grace into arrogance. I'm talking about not letting kids in the church grow up believing that their humanity makes them dirty, even after they've been washed clean by Christ's blood.

How do I know that this happens? The most obvious answer is, I was one of those kids. I grew up hating myself because I could never be good enough for love, or so I thought. Yeah, I knew God loved me, but the fact that He loved me didn't translate into the idea that I could love myself, and a huge part of it had to do with being taught false humility through most of my childhood. When it is so deeply ingrained in you that you are a fallen being, perpetually broken and so unworthy of love, the almost afterthought addition of "oh, by the way, God totally still loves you" tends to fall on deaf ears. It wasn't until I got to college and took a lot of classes with a professor who kept telling me that God wasn't mad at me, that He was actually pretty crazy about me, and I got past the conviction that she was speaking heresy that it started to sink it. And I mean started. It took a long time to really get through my head. There are still plenty of days when I revert to the old thoughts of "how could God love you, because of..." The difference is, I now know better, and I can speak against them when they creep in. There are plenty of people that I know who don't know that difference. Young girls that I've had the opportunity to work with, who come to me crying because they're convinced that they're worthless and can't do anything right. Girls who go to church on a regular basis. It breaks my heart, because I see so much of my own struggles with convincing myself that I'm not worthless.

Which brings me to the second part of what I wanted to talk about. The condemnation that the Church tends to project to the world. I believe the technical term is culture wars, in which the Church tries to control every aspect of culture (not necessarily a bad thing), but goes about it in a way that makes the rest of the world think that Jesus is the biggest jerk to ever walk the earth (altogether a very bad thing). I'm going to go out on a limb and say two things: 1) Copying culture, but adding Christian language instead of "secular" is quite possibly my least favorite thing ever. I don't ever want to copy culture, and hide behind my line of Christianity and only let it impact people behind that line. I want to go out into the culture around me and impact those people, the ones who need to hear it the most. I have the utmost respect for artists like Mumford & Sons and Owl City, who are reaching huge audiences with music that has very clear imagery pointing to God. And it doesn't just extend to that. I think there is more Jesus in secular culture than a lot of Christians realize. After all, God is the source of all creativity. Those brilliant singers, songwriters, artists, writers, and musicians who are so popular all got those talents from God, and God shines through if you listen hard enough. More often than not, listening to these artists just makes me want to go out and impact culture more, because think about  what could happen if people with crazy artistic talent who are popular now could do with their talent if they have the direct line open with God? And instead the Christian culture shies away, scared to be tainted by their sin.

2) And please don't lynch me for this: I think the the us vs. them attitude of many Christians regarding cultural differences, specifically the LGBT community, is one of the most harmful things ever. Believe me, I know all the things the Bible says on the subject. But they are still people, created in God's image, struggling with their lives, looking for love. I'm not prepared to explore the whole nature vs. nurture debate or what we can do to "cure" them, or if that's even possible. That's not what I want. I want everyday Christians to go out and make friends with them, and make up for so many people from the Church who straight up hate them simply because of that one thing, without ever getting to know the person. The way to wage a "culture war" is not to keep introducing legislation which pits us vs. them. The way to wage the war is to cross the battle lines and sit down and make friends. Yeah, you don't agree. Whatever. No friends ever agree 100% of the time. You can still love them. (Note: This applies for the battle lines drawn within the church too.)


There's more that I could say, other points I want to elaborate on at a later date. But I think this has gotten long enough as it is. I would love this to start a conversation, even if you don't agree with me. I'm okay with that. I've pretty much given up on trying to get everyone to agree with me. I just want people to think about these issues.

The Lord bless you and keep you.
The Lord make His face to shine upon you
And be gracious unto you.
The Lord lift the light of His countenance upon you
And give you peace.