Holidailies Day 3: Motivation?

(Disclaimer: This is a baby thought, it has not worked it's way full through my thought process. So if I'm full of it, feel free to tell me.)

Motivation has always been a huge battle for me. It's one of those issues that seems overwhelmingly overwhelming most of the time. Like, I know it's something to work on, I just have the hardest time sitting down and taking the time to sort out the huge knot of mental processes and figure out where the root of the mess is. But I think a huge part of it is self-control.

Sounds obvious? Let me explain. Christians tend to be big on the issue of self-control. It's a fruit of the Spirit and all that. And let's be honest, most Christians are known by what they don't do rather than what they do. That's a whole other issue, but at the heart of all this "not doing things" there has to be self-control, right? Not necessarily. At least, not in some areas.

A lot of it ends up just being keeping yourself out of certain situations. For instance, if you are never around people who smoke pot, are you ever going to have to exercise self-control to not smoke pot? Yeah, a little bit, by not going and searching it out. But that takes a lot more effort. And if you're like me, and had to sit through two years of an AWANA leader who was a Vietnam vet and waxed eloquent at least every other week on the stupidity of doing any sorts of drugs based on his experiences in 'Nam, it's not going to be one of those things that's high on your list.

That being said, aside from the big things (which everyone has different convictions on), there are those little, quieter things that happen in day to day life and that's where self-control really becomes an issue. At least in my life. The choices that seem to affect a whole day, like whether or not I'm going to pay attention to my alarm and get up at a decent time of the day even if I don't have work or classes to get to, or if I'm going to ignore it all 6 times it goes off and sleep until noon. I bet you can guess which one leads to a more productive day. Or whether or not, when I do get up, I'm going to spend an hour on Facebook before even eating breakfast, or if I'm going to jump straight into my to-do list. That's where motivation and self-control become issues for me.

The problem is, that maintaining a schedule when I'm jobless and only have things going on in the day every once and awhile is freaking hard. It's one of those things that no one ever tells you about being an adult when you're a kid. Like, you have a list (and for me, I need a physical list or else nothing gets done) and if you don't get it done THE THINGS DON'T GET DONE, and that can have some serious consequences. This seems like it should be obvious, but it's one of those things that becomes an epiphany when the dishes suddenly resemble Mount Doom on the kitchen counter and I'm standing there wondering why I didn't just wash them one at a time. That's pretty easily fixed. The bigger consequences are when bills don't make it on the calendar and then subsequently don't get paid. Thankfully, I've gotten better about those big sorts of things. But it's still something that I had to learn that no one seemed to tell me about. Yeah, I had classes and even a business math class where we had to do mock-ups of all of it. But when the consequences aren't real, the lesson doesn't get learned as well. Or so I've learned.

Anyways, back to my main point. What is the root of motivation? That's what I've been trying to find so I can fix whatever issues I have with it. I'm starting to get better. I mean I'm working on it every day. That's part of the reasons I keep challenging myself to things like NaNo, or Holidailies. It takes a whole lot of motivation to keep up with one thing, even just for a month. And it takes self-control to sit down and do it even when you're not motivated to. Which is where discipline comes in. I think it's telling that Hebrews 12 states outright that no discipline seems pleasant at the time but painful. Most people attribute that to discipline like being punished. But I find it's more the daily sitting down and saying, "it doesn't matter how hard life is, I'm still going to do it to the best of my ability and take the time to do the things that I need to do, even if I don't want to." Some people are like, "well, that's just being an adult." It appears that being an adult requires discipline. Go figure.

These are really just a series of thoughts that may or may not be one major thought. I don't really have real answers, because I still have a hard time thinking of myself as an adult so I don't know what the adult answer might be. On a complete unrelated topic, I just read one of the most brilliant commentaries on the state of the Christian music industry ever. You can check it out here. Until tomorrow!

Holidailies Day 2: NaNo Recap!

Today I decided to give a more detailed recap of NaNoWriMo, mostly due to the fact that all month I had people asking me what I was writing about and I never really had the time to formulate more than a sound-bite response to most of them. Which was sad to me, because there were some very specific reasons that I chose to write what I did and approach it the way I did. This is my chance to rectify that.

My book was about sex. (It's okay if you raise your eyebrows. It's a common reaction). More specifically, it is about the way that people from different backgrounds approach it, deal with it, and how those reactions may or may not be the healthiest thing in the world. And dealing with that in a fictional setting based on real-life situations where these things are necessary to deal with. My two main characters (the perspectives the book is written from, currently) are both Christians, but one is of the uber-conservative "sex is quite possibly the worst thing in the world" mindset and one is a little bit more on the free, grace-filled side of the spectrum, but still trying to figure out how that applies to this particular area of life. The book mainly consists of putting characters in situations where their views are challenged and how they deal with it.

Why is this an issue that I wanted to talk about, you may ask? Well, mainly because of my own experiences with the level of education about this, particularly in the Church or Christian settings. I could rant about it for days, so I chose to write a book about it instead.

To understand my full reasoning for this, you have to understand my background. If you've read this blog before, you know that I was raised in a pretty conservative setting all around. My life more or less revolved around whatever church my parents were involved in, and aside from that, I was in Christian homeschool groups, Christian sports groups and educated with largely Christian curriculum (which believe me, isn't written with the goal of providing mostly unbiased information). Pretty much the only reason that I came out of the whole thing (mostly) well adjusted is because I was a voracious reader, and my main method of picking reading material was going to the library and grabbing the maximum number of books that was allowed to be checked out at one time (12 for years. The level of my joy when that was raised was overwhelming). Didn't matter what they were, what genre, just so long as it looked interesting. Led me into a lot of areas of life that I never would have really gotten into, especially when they accidentally shelved adult books in the children's section. And therein lies the beginning of this whole journey. Because that's when I discovered that hey, not everybody runs away from the issue of sex like it's a plague. I mean, a lot of people do. But some people actually talk about it, especially in young adult age books because it becomes one of those big issues.

So I read those books. I actually went back this month and read a couple of them that really impacted me in high school, because I wanted to recenter myself on the reason I started writing this in the first place. Because, let's be real here, Christians don't often talk about this issue, at least not in my experience. And it's kinda a big thing to systematically NOT talk about, except in specially sanctioned "purity" talks given to teens. I know the arguments that it's a personal thing, that it's an issue for parents to talk about, that the Church shouldn't have to be in charge of talking about it, that it's somewhat inappropriate to talk about in a group setting, people should be able to go and ask their friends or trusted mentors about it. All of these things are true, at least at some level. But what if it's not a perfect world, and people of any age don't have anywhere to turn? If kids get mixed or unhealthy views of sex from parents, or no input at all? If the only positive influence in their life is their church? If new adults (18-24, more or less) have their friends, but that information is way off? If the old Victorian cultural standards of "appropriate" aren't at all healthy, no matter how much we try to pretend they are? What if the Church is called to impact all areas of culture, including this one?

Let's be clear here: There is no lack of information on this subject. For one, the internet exists. And on the internet, if it can be related to sex, it probably will be in some way. Actually, for those of you who are looking for some very open and blunt information on the subject, and are not offended easily, I would suggest Laci Green on YouTube. Full Disclaimer, there is lots of swearing, and more than a few viewpoints that I really don't agree with. But she has no fear about talking about any and every issue, and her base message of freedom of information so you can choose what sort of life you want to lead. She also has a lot of stuff about body image that is pretty awesome.

However, Laci Green really fits my point. If there is someone like me, who is getting nothing from her main sources of influence other than sex is bad until you're married, and you really shouldn't even be thinking about it ever until then and if you see anything about it in the media, run fast and run far, yet you are still curious (because really, who isn't) and your friends aren't any better educated than you, where do you go? I went to books, and later, to the internet (granted, still with a pretty active filter). But if you don't have any idea what's going on with your body and you come across someone like Laci Green (who I really admire actually) who is not only willing to tell you about all these things, but willing to tell you that you're actually beautiful and you should take care of yourself and a bunch about empowerment, that's going to be a huge draw. I mean none of those last three things were included in my education about that world until I was in college. And in my current mindset, they really should be taught from the cradle, especially in the Church (more about that later). So let's continue this scenario. You're young and looking for information, you come across someone who gives it to you, and also tells you that you're worth something, but also fills you with the aforementioned viewpoints that most Christians are so freaking scared of, like that it really doesn't matter all that much how many partners you have, and that the whole convention of waiting until marriage is outdated and harmful. Which is something you know you shouldn't believe, but at the same time, everything else they're saying sounds right on. This is going to become an issue.

So this is my suggestion. Maybe, just maybe, the Church should be teaching about this topic, and not even just in youth groups. I have seen the issues of body image and knowing how to take care of yourself span all ages, in both men and women, but particularly women. I think the idea that Christians aren't allowed to love themselves is a large hot steaming pile of refuse. Why? Because God loves us. Simple as that. Nowhere in the Bible does it say that God doesn't think His creations are not the most beautiful things in the world, and nothing can separate us from that. The passages that everyone quotes when talking about how we should think of ourselves as refuse are always pulled out of context. (Main example, Romans 7 when Paul moans about what a wretched man he is is DIRECTLY followed by him giving praise to God for loving him despite his considerable faults. And then he states that there is no condemnation in 8:1).

Anyways. I also think that teaching abstinence only is... flawed. Because it stops at "You just shouldn't." Not anything about how to develop self-control to achieve that goal, nothing about what to do if you find yourself in those situations despite your best efforts, and a whole lot of guilt and shame if you mess up even once. Because the world isn't perfect, and the most dedicated abstinence only disciple can still make mistakes. You hear stories about it all the time. So education is necessary, because if you don't know what's going on with your body it's a lot easier to stumble into a situation you shouldn't. And even if you're educated and you get into that situation, knowing how to get out would be very helpful.

I realize that this is a lot, and it's a viewpoint that isn't terribly popular. But in a way, that's why I'm talking about it so openly. As the 11th Doctor said once, "Something here doesn't make sense. Let's go poke it with a stick." My goal is to be the best version of myself that I can be, because that is how Jesus sees me. What I realized is that my lack of information on how to deal with this issue in a healthy way was a huge barrier to that version of myself. And in my search for that information, I realized that I'm definitely not the only one who has these problems and because I'm me and I want to change the world, it has become one of those issues that I can't ignore, for myself, or for others who have been raised in similar situations to me. This definitely isn't a complete overview of the issue (again, why I wanted to write the book so I could deal with this and how it affects so many different areas of life). It's merely a start, a place where I can say this is what I see the issue to be, and some thoughts about what the flaws are. I'm still working on the solutions, but I think that will always be the case.

Holidailies Day 1: What Is This Madness?

If you've been following me on Facebook at all for the last month, you know something: For the entire month of November I've been participating in NaNoWriMo, writing a novel that clocked in at 63,111 words by last night, well over the 50,000 goal. It has been a whirlwind of writing and madness, and I've loved (almost) every minute of it.

Despite that, I was very much looking forward to December 1st when I could take a step back, breathe for the first time in a month, and start trying to remember what I do with my life when I'm not spending every spare minute trying to pound out a novel. So when I saw this post on my region's forum on the NaNo site about a blogging challenge for the month of December, I should have run fast and far because what sort of insane person would take on THAT after the insanity of November? Obviously, this sort of insane person!

The challenge is Holidailies. The idea is to blog about anything, whatever you want to, just so long as you're blogging about something once a day. So that's what I'm going to do. If you wanted to apply logic to the situation, you could say that it would be a bad idea to just completely up and stop writing after NaNo. Kinda like how you're not supposed to just stop running and sit down for a few hours. You have to walk around, make sure your legs aren't going to seize up on you before you can really rest. So that's what this is, more or less. My walking period after the marathon of NaNo. That makes sense, right?

Besides, I have been wanting to do more with this blog. A lot of people have been asking me what my novel is about so I'll probably do a full NaNo recap with some explanation of the book's topic and why I chose it. And then I have a few other topics that popped up and I've been mulling over in the few minutes that I wasn't writing last month. I've even been all organized and started keeping a list. It's official now, because there's a list.

I can't really think of anything else to write tonight. Lord willing, I'll start getting my brain back piece by piece after a few nights of good sleep and relaxation. See you tomorrow!

In Which I have Decided I'm A Jesus Feminist

I've not actually read the book "Jesus Feminist" yet. But I've read Sarah Bessey's blog, I've read reviews of the book, and I just now ordered it because being a member of Barnes & Noble helps shave dollars off of new books prices. Something I appreciate greatly right now. At any rate, I would probably have gotten the book anyway, even without the discount. I'm just way to excited about its existence to not own it. I get like that with some books. Some, I can manage to wait until such a time as it's actually financially wise to buy them, or find them used somewhere. Not so with books that I've been looking forward to for weeks. It just seems sacrilegious to NOT get them. Anyway. That's not the point. The point is that in the two weeks or so since this term "Jesus Feminist" came on my radar, I've been mulling over the term, what it means to me and all that sort of fun stuff. All while fangirling over Sarah Bessey's Blog and the existence of such a book.

This means so much to me, because I've always felt like I kinda fell into the "feminist" mindset by default. Even if I didn't necessarily consider myself a hardcore feminist (because I don't hate men. I'm really a huge fan of them most of the time). Why? Because I was never a huge fan of the idea that women were not equal to men. I mean, I've mentioned before that as a kid, I was as likely to be outside wrestling with boys and helping my dad work on cars and build stuff as I was to be inside, playing dress up or putting large amounts of gaudy play make-up on (there are some pictures I'm glad are lost). I spent a large portion of my life fighting against the idea of being "feminine" because that seemed like it was portrayed as weak, especially in the context of the Church. I got a lot of "stop running around, why can't you sit still, be quiet, don't speak out, don't have an opinion, just hang out in the kitchen" from my early years. Even the very idea of buying clothing made for women was foreign to me until I was 16 or 17. There are a lot of reasons for that, most of which I don't have time to go into today.

But this idea of being a Jesus Feminist. Of accepting your identity as one that was God-given, and powerful, no matter what gender, no matter what background, no matter what. I love the video that Sarah posted on her blog yesterday, a video that mostly consists of a compilation of the pictures that have been being uploaded on the Jesus Feminist Facebook page (definitely worth checking out). But at the very beginning, she explains why she wrote the book and that really got me. It's very much in line with a theme in my life lately, namely, "how then shall we live?" I've gotten that the old way isn't necessarily the best way of doing things. In some areas of my life, it's out and out the worst way of doing things. In that area of how the Church treats women, it's really not a shining example of a city on a hill in most cases. But she poses the question: After we've decided that Jesus was actually a pretty huge fan of women, and saw them as equals in the Kingdom of God (Paul anyone? There is neither slave nor free, male nor female... I know I'm paraphrasing, but you get the point) how then shall we live? How do we walk it out, become an "outpost for the Kingdom of God" as she says in the video. How does the revelation that women are as powerful as men, and meant to walk as equal partners and co-laborers in the Kingdom transform our lives?

For me it's realizing that there doesn't need to be a break between being secure in my identity as a woman and being powerful. That's not something that comes easily to me. In fact, just last weekend a Facebook friend of mine posted about being one of those women who broke the glass ceiling while wearing heels, to point out that being feminine does not mean being weak. I think I read that post 30 times to try and wrap my mind around it. This concept is so foreign to me, for some reason. It shouldn't be. It's not like I haven't known and/or read about many women who are totally feminine and still manage to kick butt. But it never fully translated into something that looked like, "oh hey, I could maybe try this and not freak out." So that's something I've been examining recently. Why I still cling to the notion that being a tomboy and liking "not girly things" means I'm not feminine, no matter how many times my awesome friends have called me on my crap in that particular area of life. It's been a huge thing in my life, where I refuse to/am scared of anything that strikes me as overtly feminine, and I know it needs to change. What could accepting my identity as a woman change in my life? Jesus is really actually on board with me doing that, I've found.

And eventually, you know, I should probably listen to Jesus. Being His disciple and all that.

So therein lies a huge reason of why I'm excited for this book. Because I've always been one who thinks that girls should be strong, but I've rarely ever been one who connected that with them being girls. Because I really need to work out that area of my life. More and more, I find that I need to be a whole person, and ignoring the part of my identity that is arguably the most permanent is not the best way to do it. Or so I've realized.

Whew. How's that for honesty.

(Sidenote: Now, after all that I get to go write for my hugely emotionally charged novel... because I'm crazy like that. There will likely be another post in the near-ish future about stuff I've already learned, less than a week in.)

I'm In Love With a Church Girl - In Review

So last week, I got the chance to go visit my aunt in the Bay Area and she happened to be able to get me a free ticket to go see this new Christian movie, "I'm In Love With A Church Girl." So first, thank you to my aunt and to the guy who bought the tickets. It's always nice to get a movie for free. I posted about it on Facebook and promised to give a review and then promptly put it off while I tried to collect my thoughts. Which I think I've managed to do now. And I'd like to start it off saying that this is all just my opinion and people should totally go see it for themselves if they want to figure out if I was totally off.

Honestly though, I was a little wary of what I was walking into. Because, as I've written about earlier this year, my general relationship with Christian art has not been entirely positive. I have a low tolerance for low quality work from Christians when we have the ultimate connection to God, the Creator of All The Things.

Having said that, it gives you insight into how I went into this movie. Knowing that it was based on a true story, and desperately hoping that this would help it feel more real. It was interesting, watching it in the location where it was filmed (we were in San Jose, and if you're familiar with the area, this guy who the movie is about is now a pastor at Church on the Hill). Lots of people from the myriad of churches and Christian schools in the area, lots of cheers when popular local areas and sites popped up. Kinda surreal to see areas that you know on the big screen, but that's beside the point.

I'll start with the basic plot (SPOILER ALERT from here on out): Think redemption story. The synopsis from the website says:

"Cars. Good looks. Mansions. Money. Women. Miles Montego has it all. Including a past. He was king of the streets as a high-level drug trafficker, and although he has tried to move on, the DEA isn’t convinced. Miles is still rolling with his old friends and colleagues, and the feds are certain he has not fully retired from his criminal past. When Miles meets Vanessa Leon, a woman who is different than every other woman he’s met, he is drawn to her beauty and her faith. She is a “church girl” in every sense of the word. Increasingly, he is torn between a life that he knows and a love that he feels. As Vanessa experiences his lavish lifestyle, mobster-type friends, gun play, and encounters with past women, Vanessa must reconcile her faith in God and her growing love for Miles. Both are tested to their last ounce of faith and strength in God and each other. God continues to chip away at Miles through struggles from his past, having to live up to his reputation, feelings of unworthiness, the death of his mother, federal charges, his friends being indicted, the strain on his relationship with Vanessa, almost losing her in a near-fatal car accident, and finally the spiritual breakdown that brings him on his knees to face God one-on-one.

I’M IN LOVE WITH A CHURCH GIRL is a powerful, inspiring story of a love between a man and a woman, a gift of second chances, and a family at home and in church that never stops praying and believing."

Honestly, the first thing I thought when I read this was, "well, whoever wrote this clearly doesn't understand the value of leaving a plot-twist or two in mystery." It literally lines up everything that happens in the movie. But I was still determined to give it a chance, because really who can fault a slightly over-informative synopsis? It happens. Let it go. 

So the movie was written and produced by the guy who it all happened, to, named Galley Molina. If you Google the guy (which I did just now, because I was curious as to the real details of the story) you see that he's huge in the entertainment industry. Before he was a Christian, he was huge into the music and film business and he's continued in that since converting, just diverting his considerable resources to "more Godly" versions of the real deal. Which totally explains the first thing I was suitably impressed with about the movie: The cinematography and production was really quality. Honestly. It wasn't reminiscent of a soap opera, or super jumpy or any other major quality issues. It focused a little too much on solo close-ups mid conversation for my taste, but that's just a stylistic thing that I just don't like that much.

Personally, I prefer the sort of indie style of cinematography (think Juno, Scott Pilgrim, Away We Go, etc.) so it felt a little clean cut to me, and way flashy. But it was still really good quality.

So, with the writing, acting and soundtrack... I'll start with the acting. It had good moments and bad moments. The good moments included the points where the writing allowed for people to actually get mad or just overwrought, as well as the more natural interactions between the Miles and Vanessa. The scene where Miles finally breaks down and has a screaming fit at God before repenting was particularly powerful. It was when they got into the heavy conversations with one or more people that it started feeling wooden to me. Like, there were still some good moments, but they were fewer and farther between.

Now for the writing. While I give absolute kudos to Galley Molina for taking on the writing of a screenplay about his own life, for the sake of creative license, I feel that he should have at least had ONE co-writer who was a more experienced writer. In all the list of his creative accomplishments, I saw music and movie producing, not writing, which makes a difference. Now, if this had been in a non-fiction book format, the sort of writing might have been more okay. As it was, it fell below the line of quality on my scale. But the good first.

The movie's message was great, saying that God can redeem everything no matter how far gone you are. (Note: while in the movie Miles didn't got to jail, Galley actually did, which is where he started writing this whole thing out.) I mean, you can't argue with that. Also, good: They hit up topics relating to dating/falling in love with an unequally yoked couple. Or in non-Christianese, one Christian, on non-Christian. Things like what happens when he is sexually frustrated and happens upon Song of Solomon (one of the funniest scenes of the movie. He likened it to late-night HBO). What happens when a sheltered Christian girl encounters the kind of world where loaded pistols are kept in glove boxes. What a person's reaction is when they're searching, but are faced with personal tragedy (his mother dying suddenly). A holiday church-goers reaction to things like tithing and worship music and your average sermon. How a Christian has to show grace to deal with a dark past. That part I particularly appreciated. There was very little condemnation and lots of grace in dealing with Miles as he was searching.

So that was the positive. The negative was (in some minds) me nitpicking. But there were some things that consistently show up in Christian movies that drive me nuts. First is a simple equation: Often wooden acting + every cliche Christian line you can think of = Serious cheese. For the record, my definition of a cliche is something that is usually absolutely true, it's just been said so often as a cure-all without any real feeling behind it that turns it into something people roll their eyes at. That being said, I feel like so often truths about Christ, statements that are actually really valuable, are turned into cliches because they are said so often, or in such a tone, that they become not relateable. In my mind, that's what happened here. It has to strike a balance. If it sounds like you're just saying it because you think it's what you should be saying, not because you feel it (which is what happened here), or if it's so filled with sincerity that any logical person would gag, you're not hitting it. I realize this seems like a small thing to some people. But it frustrates me, because we have this overwhelmingly awesome God that is infinite and mighty and people can only find 20 things to say about Him over and over again, and not even with feeling. 

Second negative was the missionary dating aspect. I realize that it's a true story, and that's how it happened so there's not a lot you can do about it. Heck, it's really what the whole movie is about. So this is probably unreasonable of me. I just think it bears mentioning that it is not a reasonable assumption to think that just because it does happen means that it happens all the time. That's all.

And while I'm not sure exactly how it happened in real life, in the movie is seemed too easy. Like, she got everything material and all she had to do was covert the guy. They were very careful to show her as not caring about the money, but come on now. It was obvious that it was part of what drew her to him at first. Again that may be nitpicking. Also, I was actually kinda disappointed that the movie didn't show him going to jail like his friends did. It was like he got off scot-free for some serious stuff, when in reality he didn't. 

The other big thing for me was that the story felt clunky. The flow was forced.

The biggest thing for me though was that it could have been SO much better. That's what disappointed me the most. I mean, you've got real life gold here. Things happen in real life that no fiction writer could ever come up with, unless it had already happened to them somehow. To take such a powerful story and water it down with less-than-stellar writing just seems wrong to me. I understand that Galley Molina lived this story. I understand how difficult it is to let something like that out of your grasp, and let other writers put their grubby mitts all over it. All the same, the first rule of any Creative Writing class is that workshopping is a thing, it's a good thing, and it will eventually make you a better writer and will definitely improve your writing. It hurts like crazy, especially when it's your own retelling of personal experience they're tearing apart, but it's worth it. Also, if it's a retelling of your life that you're trying to convert to a different format, it's highly valuable to have someone experienced in that field come alongside and co-write to make sure the transfer happens well. *sigh* I'm going to stop now.

Finally, the soundtrack. It was, again, well produced and fairly good quality music of it's own merit. The problem I had with it was that it seemed like they wanted the soundtrack to be the vehicle for all the feelings the actors weren't doing so great at showing at times. So while the actors are reciting a Bible verse uber-sincerely, but without huge amounts of expression, the music was like a flashing neon sign saying, "JUST IN CASE YOU DIDN'T KNOW HOW YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO FEEL HERE, WE'RE GOING TO FORCE IT ON YOU!" Or like, "THIS IS A SUBTLE DRAMATIC MOMENT, JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE YOU NOTICED!" That part bugged me. Just a little bit.

So that's what I thought about it. Overall, the movie was well produced and occasionally well acted. It had a good message, one that I think needs to be heard more than the "turn or burn" train of thought. I wouldn't go so far as to call it well written, but that's me. On a scale of 1-5, I would give it a high 3 in terms of overall quality. If this seems harsh, sorry. Like I said in my last post, I get super critical of stuff that other Christians do because I so desperately want to be able to walk into a Christian movie and be able to walk out giving it sparkling reviews. Hopefully that happens next time...

Relationships With Words, People and the Church

Words are a double-edged sword. I didn't need anyone to actually tell me this, I found it out on my own. First, I found out by saying the wrong thing a whole lot of times, until it finally caught up to me that I was kinda good at using words to really hurt people. After that, I retreated into myself, trying not to say anything for fear of saying something offensive. I learned during this time though that I'm really, really, really BAD at not saying anything. Seriously, so bad. I'd resist until I couldn't stand it anymore and then I'd go off on people in a way that was way more harmful than it would have been had I just stuck with speaking my mind off the cuff. Because I'd have time to think about it, to formulate exactly why they were wrong, why they sucked, why they should obviously be the ones to change everything about their life, while I sat there content in my right-ness, not doing anything. And, being totally honest, most of that criticism is aimed at the Church as a whole and the various ways in which being human is not allowed within our culture.

God has been teaching me a lot about THAT attitude.

Mostly, I've been learning about tempering criticism with love. Not speaking in such general terms that I unintentionally criticize people who I actually agree with (I hear all of my English teachers ever, telling me that using direct, concise language is the key to writing well, like a chorus). This is very difficult for me, especially when I get passionate about a subject and I just want to run off and say All The Things! that are going on in my mind.

For instance (because this is what inspired this post), I found this blog today and started reading some really overwhelmingly awesome stuff about women who are standing up to the norm in the church and speaking out for the outcasts, the people who live on the edges, the people who always felt like "doing church" was not consistent with who they really were. My reaction to it was visceral, because I relate to it so very much. I was a tomboy growing up in a church culture that practically idolized the 1950s housewife. I was told that if I didn't want to wear a pretty, flowery dress and lacy socks with cute shoes to church on Sundays, I wasn't respecting the sacredness of God's house. I went to every Sunday School event, every summer at camp (which were by far my favorite times, because no one at camp expects you to wear dresses AND you still get to learn about Jesus), every youth conference, a youth group where I was mocked for hanging out with the nerdy boys, and a youth group where I was accepted and encouraged and found freedom to be myself for the first time. I tried a few women's events, but being that I was still in high school, and not anywhere near being a mother or a wife or even an adult, I found little there for me. Plus my general dislike for canned sentiments and shallow cliches that would be true is there was even an ounce of sincerity behind it really didn't jive well with the "traditional" Women's ministry outline. But that's more of an issue with the Church as a whole and not just specific areas of it.

And not just that, I was a outspoken, opinionated female who also happened to be about 20-30 years younger than most of the leaders in my churches. Who were mostly men. I've written about that before, not all that long ago. When my friend and I spearheaded the effort to start a youth group newsletter, with ourselves at the helm of writing it, the lack of support from that majority of that church body was resounding.

But I digress. Given that background, and the fact that I'm still in the Church today, there had to be something that made me stick around all this time, right? There was. Well, someone. Jesus. I couldn't ever shake the feeling, even when I was in the midst of filling my journals with angsty rants about how I always felt like I was wearing a mask so that people wouldn't be offended by the "real me," that this was not how it was supposed to be. That there was supposed to be freedom. Freedom and love. And grace. Lots of that. So I went on a search for it, and found it in a church that has been rocking my life for the last 4 years or so. And all of a sudden, I was looking back, seeing with clear eyes all the things that the churches I'd been in had done wrong, all the beliefs and subtle contexts that had backed me into a corner of chains and guilt and shame. Problem was/is, this is happening at a time when I'm also finding my writing voice, honing my ability to craft words into really sharp blades that can draw a lot of blood from innocent bystanders if they aren't wielded carefully.

So what is the point of all this? It's mostly an apology. I realized recently that the reason I'm so very hard on the Church is because I love it so much, it kills me to see Christians hurting people, driving people away, hurting themselves with wrong thinking, and generally not living free. Like seriously, I just want to grab the Church's face and shake them and be like "DO YOU NOT SEE WHAT YOU'RE DOING TO PEOPLE WHO ARE HURTING AND SEARCHING??? INCLUDING YOURSELVES????" Except for that's kinda impossible, as the Church doesn't actually HAVE a physical face and even if it did, it'd probably be way too big for me to grab it. So I content myself with writing, about anything and everything that I see is wrong.

Problem is, I forget to mention that I see what's right too. I see people who are changing, and trying to figure out how to be better. I realize that people are in fact human and not perfect, and that the incomprehensible Grace and Love that is so precious to me has been extended to them too. I'm working on the whole "how to write well and offend, but in a loving way" concept, because I do believe that you can't state a strong opinion without offending someone. Even true things. Truth is offensive to many, for a variety of reasons. Also, I don't claim to always write truthful things. I feel like that's an important addition to this confession. I just call it as I see it and pray that God uses my words to touch someone out there. Use that cool sword I made to knight some people, not behead them.

I can't really think of a better way to end this than post this song that's been overwhelming my life. And it's by Katy Perry (speaking of lessons on how to amend previous negative views...). It's like, the coolest ever love song from Jesus to us, even if that wasn't how it was meant. It's my new catchphrase that I'm trying out: Doesn't matter, still Kingdom.

A Collection of Thoughts

For the record, the above video may or may not have anything to do with the subjects covered. But it's what I've been listening to on repeat for the last few days, and I'm absolutely enthralled. So I'll share it wherever I can.

These last couple of weeks have been very eventful. I have been busy, way more busy than just about any time in my life since college and especially since May. But I haven't gained enough distance from the events of May 5th to really dig into the full extent of what that day has done to my life. Except for it led to the current busy state of my life, albeit indirectly. Mostly because, when your life is ripped away for a time and then handed back in a pile of tatters, where do you really have to go besides up?

Recover, rebuild, heal, whatever you want to call it, I've been doing it, since I managed to get my butt off the ground again. So now I'm doing this awesome thing at church, Nikao School of Leadership. Nikao is Greek for overcome, victory. Because really, isn't the whole point of leadership to lead people into victory and help them overcome, whatever that may look like? Minor detail: you first have to learn to do it yourself. Thus, the School. It marks one of the reasons I'm now busy 5 nights a week, accounting for two nights. And two nights that I already look forward to, even though we're only in the third week.

Leadership is an interesting concept to me. I've always been a somewhat natural leader, being halfway an oldest child. In many ways it was thrust upon me as something I had to learn to do, whether or not I wanted to. But most of the time I wanted to, because let's be honest, being a leader tends to mean people are listening to you. And that was what I craved above all else.

Now, I just write (though sometimes I forget to finish a thought on the same day that I started it). Which leads to the latest fun development in my life! NaNoWriMo!!!!!! (NaNoWriMo Home) This isn't exactly a new thing, seeing as this is my third year doing NaNo. But I will be trying something new this time around, and actually writing something that will be more serious than tongue-in-cheek. The last couple of years were fantasy novels that tended very heavily towards dry humor and satire. This year though, I'm attempting a contemporary, New Adult (which is the term for Young Adult-style but for audiences over 18) story about a highly contested subject.... SEX! (Yes, I realize I internet-yelled that word. Don't ask me why.)

Seriously, I'm going to try and work out a way to write about a group of new adults (probably ages 17-19) trying to work out what it means to be pure in a society that is decidedly not pure. I'm working on coming up with different religious and cultural backgrounds for the characters, so that I can draw from as many viewpoints as possible. For the record, I'm going to skip the characters actually having sex part, and mostly just talk about it a lot. And mostly, learning how to make healthy decisions in this one highly important area of life when there are so many different messages coming at them from sources that do not agree AT ALL.

Why attempt such a huge thing in just a month? Well, because I'm crazy. But we already knew that, because this is the third time I'm choosing to willingly put myself through the madness that is NaNo. Also, because I think it's something that needs to be written about with a solid dose of grace and mercy thrown in. It may or may not be overtly Christian in message, but you can sure bet Jesus will be there guiding the conclusions they come to. Additionally, this topic about how different cultures, particularly the Christian sub-culture, view sex and teach about it has been on my heart and mind a lot for years now, because it gets to be such a hot topic with so much division stemming from this one area of life. And I don't think anyone really gets it right all the time, when it comes to the healthiest way to treat your body. And make relationship decisions. And learn that ever important fruit of the Spirit, Self-Control.

So yeah. I'm being pretty open when I say that part of the reason I'm writing this is as a form of therapy and getting myself to a place where I have a better, more healthy understanding of this whole area of life where, frankly, my education was sorely lacking.

AND on that note. I would like to put it out there, for anyone who might have a different perspective on the issue than I do (which is probably most of the people who read this), I'd love to collect thoughts and opinions and resources that you know of supporting your views. It would be a great help. Thanks muchly, in advance!