Relationships With Words, People and the Church

Words are a double-edged sword. I didn't need anyone to actually tell me this, I found it out on my own. First, I found out by saying the wrong thing a whole lot of times, until it finally caught up to me that I was kinda good at using words to really hurt people. After that, I retreated into myself, trying not to say anything for fear of saying something offensive. I learned during this time though that I'm really, really, really BAD at not saying anything. Seriously, so bad. I'd resist until I couldn't stand it anymore and then I'd go off on people in a way that was way more harmful than it would have been had I just stuck with speaking my mind off the cuff. Because I'd have time to think about it, to formulate exactly why they were wrong, why they sucked, why they should obviously be the ones to change everything about their life, while I sat there content in my right-ness, not doing anything. And, being totally honest, most of that criticism is aimed at the Church as a whole and the various ways in which being human is not allowed within our culture.

God has been teaching me a lot about THAT attitude.

Mostly, I've been learning about tempering criticism with love. Not speaking in such general terms that I unintentionally criticize people who I actually agree with (I hear all of my English teachers ever, telling me that using direct, concise language is the key to writing well, like a chorus). This is very difficult for me, especially when I get passionate about a subject and I just want to run off and say All The Things! that are going on in my mind.

For instance (because this is what inspired this post), I found this blog today and started reading some really overwhelmingly awesome stuff about women who are standing up to the norm in the church and speaking out for the outcasts, the people who live on the edges, the people who always felt like "doing church" was not consistent with who they really were. My reaction to it was visceral, because I relate to it so very much. I was a tomboy growing up in a church culture that practically idolized the 1950s housewife. I was told that if I didn't want to wear a pretty, flowery dress and lacy socks with cute shoes to church on Sundays, I wasn't respecting the sacredness of God's house. I went to every Sunday School event, every summer at camp (which were by far my favorite times, because no one at camp expects you to wear dresses AND you still get to learn about Jesus), every youth conference, a youth group where I was mocked for hanging out with the nerdy boys, and a youth group where I was accepted and encouraged and found freedom to be myself for the first time. I tried a few women's events, but being that I was still in high school, and not anywhere near being a mother or a wife or even an adult, I found little there for me. Plus my general dislike for canned sentiments and shallow cliches that would be true is there was even an ounce of sincerity behind it really didn't jive well with the "traditional" Women's ministry outline. But that's more of an issue with the Church as a whole and not just specific areas of it.

And not just that, I was a outspoken, opinionated female who also happened to be about 20-30 years younger than most of the leaders in my churches. Who were mostly men. I've written about that before, not all that long ago. When my friend and I spearheaded the effort to start a youth group newsletter, with ourselves at the helm of writing it, the lack of support from that majority of that church body was resounding.

But I digress. Given that background, and the fact that I'm still in the Church today, there had to be something that made me stick around all this time, right? There was. Well, someone. Jesus. I couldn't ever shake the feeling, even when I was in the midst of filling my journals with angsty rants about how I always felt like I was wearing a mask so that people wouldn't be offended by the "real me," that this was not how it was supposed to be. That there was supposed to be freedom. Freedom and love. And grace. Lots of that. So I went on a search for it, and found it in a church that has been rocking my life for the last 4 years or so. And all of a sudden, I was looking back, seeing with clear eyes all the things that the churches I'd been in had done wrong, all the beliefs and subtle contexts that had backed me into a corner of chains and guilt and shame. Problem was/is, this is happening at a time when I'm also finding my writing voice, honing my ability to craft words into really sharp blades that can draw a lot of blood from innocent bystanders if they aren't wielded carefully.

So what is the point of all this? It's mostly an apology. I realized recently that the reason I'm so very hard on the Church is because I love it so much, it kills me to see Christians hurting people, driving people away, hurting themselves with wrong thinking, and generally not living free. Like seriously, I just want to grab the Church's face and shake them and be like "DO YOU NOT SEE WHAT YOU'RE DOING TO PEOPLE WHO ARE HURTING AND SEARCHING??? INCLUDING YOURSELVES????" Except for that's kinda impossible, as the Church doesn't actually HAVE a physical face and even if it did, it'd probably be way too big for me to grab it. So I content myself with writing, about anything and everything that I see is wrong.

Problem is, I forget to mention that I see what's right too. I see people who are changing, and trying to figure out how to be better. I realize that people are in fact human and not perfect, and that the incomprehensible Grace and Love that is so precious to me has been extended to them too. I'm working on the whole "how to write well and offend, but in a loving way" concept, because I do believe that you can't state a strong opinion without offending someone. Even true things. Truth is offensive to many, for a variety of reasons. Also, I don't claim to always write truthful things. I feel like that's an important addition to this confession. I just call it as I see it and pray that God uses my words to touch someone out there. Use that cool sword I made to knight some people, not behead them.

I can't really think of a better way to end this than post this song that's been overwhelming my life. And it's by Katy Perry (speaking of lessons on how to amend previous negative views...). It's like, the coolest ever love song from Jesus to us, even if that wasn't how it was meant. It's my new catchphrase that I'm trying out: Doesn't matter, still Kingdom.