Holidailies Day 31: The Last Day

It's the last day of Holidailies. I can't decide if it feels like only yesterday since this month started, or if it feels like this month took freaking forever to get over with. I think it's both. Because wibbly wobbly, timey wimey. Coincidentally, I watched a lot of Doctor Who this month...

I was thinking about the year in review. What else would you do on the last day of the year? It's been particularly eventful I feel. I started pretty darn optimistic, actually. I had a job, had just actually picked up a new student that added a bunch of hours to my schedule, had decided to ditch the credentialing classes that were frustrating me more than teaching me, and was looking forward to my first full year living in one location for 12 months that was not my parent's house. I had realized my tendency to just sit on the sidelines at church, which was my only real social interaction that I counted. So I decided that I was going to make an effort to participate in things more, which ended up looking like going to as many different classes and small groups as I could fit in my schedule because I decided the last time I'd had a social life was college. And what do you do at college except go to classes? Or so I reasoned...

It actually worked fairly well, in my opinion. The only rough bit was in the summer when the events to participate in were at a minimum and I was already in serious emotional difficulty because of the events of May, and my hours at work were cut to boot so then I had way less money all of a sudden. It was not a fun summer, to be sure. But everything picked back up starting in August, except for  money which continued to be an issue plus the growing stress of working a job that was not paying me nearly enough for the amount of effort I was putting in. It wasn't a happy month and a half after I started looking for another job and requested no new students, because I knew what a pain it was to have to look for a new person to replace someone who's already established with a student. I was constantly at odds with my job, coming home mentally and emotionally exhausted after two hours of working with one student, which is not how it's supposed to be. And it's not how it was at first. Something shifted until it was more than clear to all parties involved that it was time for everyone to stop trying to make something work. That in itself was pretty painful, because as crappy as the last weeks were, I still loved the student I was working with and I didn't want to leave the way that I did.

In the midst of all this, everything else was looking up. In the last few months I've finally started to feel like I'm coming out of whatever cloud I've been wandering around in since graduation. I'm still not sure what to do, or what direction I'm going in exactly, but at least I don't feel like I'm rootless on top of it all. I've loved being established, being around to be a part of the same region for NaNo as I was last year, being able to say that I went to one church every week except for when I was on vacation for longer than a few months. College was like a forced transient lifestyle when it came to church, especially since I traveled so much with The Way and I never could find it in myself to attend weekly at my parent's church on breaks because of a number of reasons. I had forgotten what it was like to have that weekly home, how nice it. And since enrolling in Nikao, it's been much more of a home than ever.

So in terms of putting myself out there intentionally into community, I think I won. It wasn't just at church. It was with NaNo too, making an effort to go to a bunch of different write-ins, way more than I did the first two years, and then making the effort to stay at least minimally in contact with a few different people from the region. And also trying to be better about staying in contact with friends from Jessup who are still in the area, and attempting to see them more than once every 6 months. Which has definitely been the case the last few months, and that's been awesome because I love my friends.

As for other things... I don't know. It's hard to quantify everything that happened in a year. And then at the same time look forward to see what 2014 should be like. I'm trying to do at least a few of the self-betterment things that are constantly being bandied about on Facebook this time of the year. I started a 30-day planking challenge, because I figured it would be simple (if not easy). I want to do that thing where you save a graduated amount of money every week because I've experienced first hand this year what it's like to have savings run out on multiple occasions and it's not particularly fun. I figure it'll work because it's a minimal amount of money at first when I don't have a job, and it will increase when I do have a job. Because I will eventually become employed. It has to happen sometime.

Also, I think since I'm being better about not isolating myself, I'm going to focus on walking in my identity. Figuring out my identity was a theme of 2013. Now I need to actually work on accepting if (first things first...) and walking it out so I don't wander around directionless for the rest of my life. Because that's also something that I have figured out is not fun, from experience.

Finally, I found this photo on Facebook today:

I have officially decided to make this a New Year's Eve tradition starting this year that I will eventually pass on to my children. Because it just fits in so well with my personality. And when did a little punny literalism ever hurt anyone? 

Holidailies Day 30: A Songbird, I Am

"How I wish you could see the potential,
the potential of you and me.
It's like a book elegantly bound but,
in a language that you can't read.
Just yet.

You gotta spend some time, Love.
You gotta spend some time with me.
And I know that you'll find, love
I will possess your heart.
You gotta spend some time, Love.
You gotta spend some time with me.
And I know that you'll find, love
I will possess your heart."

Talk about finding Jesus in the odd places. This is a Death Cab for Cutie song, and after the first verse and chorus it loses the parallel to some degree, but this first verse catches me every time. Not to mention the awesome 5 minute guitar intro. It's enough to listen to the song on repeat for hours on end. 

"Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons, they fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down,
If you get lost you can always be found.
Just know you're not alone,
Cause I'm gonna make this place your home."

That's another one I love. Phillip Phillips basically won my heart forever when he first performed this on Idol. Mostly it was because of the musical aspect, because holy crap it's just the most catchy song ever. But then I bought it and listened to it on repeat for days when I moved out again later that year. And, because God is good at timing, it came up again a couple of weeks ago and I've gone back to listening to it on repeat, though not quite for days (yet).

"Oh no, did I get too close?
Oh, did I almost see what's really on the inside?
All your insecurities
All the dirty laundry
Never made me blink one time

Unconditional, unconditionally
I will love you unconditionally
There is no fear now
Let go and just be free
I will love you unconditionally

Come just as you are to me
Don't need apologies
Know that you are worthy
I'll take your bad days with your good
Walk through the storm I would
I do it all because I love you, I love you

[chorus]

So open up your heart and just let it begin
Open up your heart and just let it begin
Open up your heart and just let it begin
Open up your heart

Acceptance is the key to be
To be truly free
Will you do the same for me?"

Okay, so this has to be included, because again, it's been rocking my life and ruining my life since I first heard it. If anything, this is the ultimate proof that God speaks through the most unusual of mediums when this song with THESE LYRICS comes from the same place as "I Kissed A Girl". It still messes with me. Especially the bridge. Come on now.

Today has been largely getting stuff started... getting the job search up and running again, gave 30 day notice for my apartment, came up with hopefully some viable options of places to live after such a time as I move out of my current situation. I've started checking out possibly going to school for my teaching credential soon, as I've been seriously itching to get back in a classroom. Possibly taking the classes on top of working full-time and the School of Leadership thing. Who needs free time?

At any rate, I have to write a cover letter before vacating Starbucks for the night, so I'm going to go do that. Blessings to you all!

Holidailies Day 29: Joy

I go to a church where they talk a lot about joy. The concept of joy, the power of joy, how one gets joy in their life, what one can do with joy. How awesome joy is. The whole 9 yards. This weekend, the entire sermon was three couples from the pastoral team each sharing about their experiences and how they did or didn't maintain joy throughout some ridiculously tough circumstances. I didn't really think much of it, honestly. But then I went to go take notes during worship this morning (because that's how God speaks to me a lot, through my sorting through my own thoughts and actually processing them) and came across a couple of weeks ago another worship note page about how I was looking for more ways to actually have joy. And I felt like it was one of those hints (like God is going "wink, wink, nudge, nudge") saying, you should maybe actually pay attention to this and figure it out.

I've had a hard time with the concept of joy pretty much always. Why? Because joy is more or less the opposite of depression and in looking back over my life I see that I've been struggling with depression since I was at least 12, possibly before that.A Now, for someone that was always complimented on my naturally cheerful countenance (for the most part), this was a hard pill to swallow and I don't think I really ever gave credence to the idea until about 4 years ago. Even then it took me awhile to start dealing with it, at least to the point of controlling it and getting myself stable(ish). It wasn't until this last summer after everything happened with my sister and nephews that I actually actively sought help. In hindsight (always 20/20...) I should have started up on the process as soon as I graduated, if not before. But my particular struggle with depression turns me into the ultimate procrastinator, and I have had to spend months if not years convincing myself that I'm worth the effort of getting help for myself. Depression is a bitch.

Why am I talking about this? One, because I honestly think that it's nothing to be ashamed of and frankly, other people talking about their struggles in this area has helped me tremendously. If only because it lets me know that I'm not the only one who wakes up some days and just doesn't want to do anything. Some days it takes me three times as much effort just to wake up and get dressed. Some days I'm super productive and I wonder why every day can't be like that. Some days I succeed in willing myself into productivity. Some days I fail spectacularly, and that just feeds the mess that I'm already dealing with. Seriously, if failing wasn't so painful, I'd be impressed at the variety and complexity of the ways I come up with to fail. In that way at least, I always maintain creativity. (See, I try to come up with positives...)

Also, I'm talking about it because I'm really tired of being quiet about it. There's a theme in my family where these things aren't talked about, even though I know (because I analyze my family's behavior out of habit to help me figure myself out) that my struggles aren't isolated to just me. It's definitely a generational thing, whether that's because of nature or nurture, and it's not just one side either. But no matter what, it was never discussed. And it was one of those things that I didn't even question until such a time as I was in a place in my life where people did talk about it. Like when you go to a friend's house and discover that everyone's family dinners look a little different. Ironically, the one person that I know for sure dealt with it was my sister, whose name was Joy and who was considered overwhelmingly to live up to her name. That actually baffled me for a long time. How could someone who I KNOW struggled as much with depression as I do, quite possibly more, still be so full of joy? And she was. It was the thing that drew people to her, and she drew a lot of people in her small town. The evidence was in how packed the church was for their memorial service.

Over the past seven months (almost eight now...), after I got over the shock and got my life into some sort of place where I could exist without falling apart in anguish every 5 minutes, my life has more or less been fueled by one major thought: if Joy thought I could do it, I can do it. She thought I could get a job that would pay enough for me to claw my way to financial freedom, I can. She thought I could go back to school and excel in my chosen field, to the point where she offered to create jobs for me in her community (so I could move down there... which was never a goal of mine, but nevertheless she was willing to put her effort there, which meant a lot). She thought that I could reach all those heady goals I set for myself after college, which I was nowhere close to when she died. I'm still not necessarily close, but I'm a heck of a lot closer than I was in May. I was under the impression that I was moving forward then, and it's possible that I was still, but I had stagnated pretty effectively by then. And I hadn't even realized it. Having your life turned upside down tends to shake things up, expose things that you weren't even aware that you were hiding from yourself.

So now I'm going to actually get to why all this leads up to talking about joy. Because if joy is the opposite of depression and I'm really wanting to get rid of depression in my life, then the obvious answer is to get joy and get it right quick. I think on some level I already have. I mean, despite the dire circumstances when it comes to money and living space, I've done pretty well about not freaking out until this weekend. At which point there was a sermon preached on having joy in the midst of dire circumstances. Because God is good at timing like that.

Two verses stood out to me: Nehemiah 8:10b: "Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength." (NIV) In The Voice, my new favorite translation ever, it says, "Do not grieve over your past mistakes. Let the Eternal's own joy be your protection!" Both strength and protection are things that I'm a fan of, as a general rule. They certainly help when dealing with current situations, or even the implications of past situations that are still affecting you. Which is why I love The Voice's translation of the verse so much. 'Cause, come on, the Israelites at this point in time had a LOT of past mistakes to grieve over. They had just listened to a re-reading of the Law which had more or less outlined in bullet points every area they had fallen short in. And for those familiar with the OT, you know that list tended to be pretty long every time it was pointed out to them. But in the midst of that, even under the Old Covenant in it's imperfection, they were told to rejoice and find strength in the joy of the Lord. How much more is this true under the new covenant where any guilt and shame is removed the minute we step into relationship with God? I'm feeling like that's probably the best reason to be joyful right there. Not that there aren't a million other reasons, because the one thing I keep coming back to is that God is good. Unfailingly, overwhelmingly, incomprehensibly good.

Note that while I know this in my head, there's still a long way between head knowledge and living it out. I mean, I know that He is good, and really, have known for awhile. The struggle is believing it, and more so, acting as if it is so. In that way I kind of actually get why James says to count it all joy when you face struggles. Because I've gotten a heck of a lot better in the last month about trusting that somehow even if I have no idea how things are going to work out, that they are indeed going to work out. Not perfect, but the freak-outs have been kept to a minimum which really wouldn't have happened if I was focusing on anything but believing that it's going to work out. And even after the challenge of the last month, I know that this week as I prepare to possibly pack up my life and move to an as yet undetermined location in less than 7 days will be a real good test of how well I'm walking this out. Which is actually more proof in my mind that God is good, because I surely needed the reminder that joy is the key to facing down tough circumstances before this particular week.

I can think of no better way to end this post except for a passage from my second favorite book in the Bible, Philippians. Phil. 4:4-7 says: "Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Which happens to be followed closely by "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Both verses I'm going to be keeping close at hand in the coming week. May they bless you as they have and will bless me.

Holidailies Day 28: Exhaustion

Well, I can tell you one thing: There is something brewing in my head that started tonight and will probably come to fruition either tomorrow or Monday. So at that point, I might have something to write about. Finish off the month on a good, solid, deep note and all that. But tonight I'm just so keyed up and so tired of it that I don't think I can write anything without giving voice to all the turmoil in my head right now. And while I've definitely employed that technique a few times this month, I prefer to be more organized in my thoughts. More analysis, less vitriol. So tonight, this is just an explanation of the events that led up to (are leading up to?) what I'm going to touch on later.

Today started in Reno, where I've been for the last week with family. I left midday and made it back in time to spend about an hour and a half in my room decompressing before heading out to church. Which was awesome, and a kind of poke in the butt in a way (a good way), and also amazing to be back in that community. I'd no idea how much I'd miss having school midweek until I went a whole week without it and now I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to handle this next week that we have left on break.

Thankfully, I got the chance to go and hang out with friends afterwards, which led to a couple of hours of good conversation that was (blessedly) not about job searching or all the other insane circumstances in my life right now. It was more just good, organic conversation that is the most fun (in my opinion). I get tired of only having one or two things to talk about as like, small talk. Like, what did you do this week? Well, recently my biggest answer has been hunting for jobs and that leads to all the same questions. Not that I don't appreciate advice, and often I seek it out. But sometimes, it's just nice to talk about something else. So that was good.

Now I should sleep (the other reason for not doing a big long thought post tonight, because it would take way too long). I'm getting there early tomorrow to help out at the bookstore, so I'm excited about that. I love books. Even if it's painful to not be able to buy any of them. I can pass my love onto others and then ask if I can borrow their books when they're done with them. It works.

Holidailies Day 27: Whoops

So I was doing so well keeping up with this and then... Well, life happened. But I got a new phone! Well, my dad got a new phone. I got his old phone, which is also a very nice phone with a much happier battery life, which was the main issue with my old one.

I think part of the problem (getting back to the original topic) was that I was running around and never got my computer out, which is the main way that I remember to do things on the computer. And I keep forgetting that I finally got the Blogger app set up. It's not as easy, but it's not bad, especially with this new phone. I have the Note 2 now, so I have the shiny stylus to make typing much easier. Hopefully this will result in far fewer typos when I'm using my phone.

There really isn't that much else to talk about. I hunt out with family all day yesterday and on Christmas of course. We went bowling and to an amazing buffet yesterday. I've barely eaten anything all day, and I'm just now starting to get hungry again at noon. And I'm driving back today at some point, because there's all sorts of fun life stuff that I need to do after having a blessed break from the madness. So until tomorrow!

Holidailies Day 24: Twas The Night Before...

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a blogger was stirring... even though she totally should have been.

I just realized what time is was and exactly how much time I had to get a blog post in so this is it! I got caught up in David Tennant (so very easy to do) watching Decoy Bride on Netflix. Pretty awesome romantic comedy. Lots of Scottish accents, so I was quite happy.

Merry Christmas everyone!

Holidailies Day 23: Breakdown

"Once again life's thrown me a curve/and it blew up right in my face/Once again life's rattled my nerves/can't you see that I'm stuck in the place/all because you've given me a breakdown/breakdown oh/breakdown, breakdown oh..." Relient K is one of those bands that has this habit of writing songs that pop into my head just when I'm needing to quantify my life and it feels like. And it does feel like that right now, as I face a wholly uncertain future that has been weighing on my mind despite my attempts to present a cavalier face to the world in day to day conversation. I mean, there are so many options and I'm feeling like I have to weigh and reweigh every single one of them to determine the pros and cons of each and now it's getting to the point where I just have to make a choice and take whatever comes.

I'm hitting the point of the breakdown, especially when this all comes at an especially insane time of the year with the holidays. Don't get me wrong, I love my family. I just have trouble existing in the same space as them sometimes. Holidays are always the time when I'm reminded just how much of an introvert I really am. I've not yet gotten to the point where I just need to take a day and hide in my room and not be around anyone yet. Maybe, if I take more care to get a couple of hours in each day like I'm doing right now I'll avoid that major breakdown point.

Still, it's not just holiday madness. It's also the wonderful equation of stress + short days (always depressing) + a natural low in the ebb and flow of my emotional well being. I'm not a generally anxious person, but when I get to the point where I need to do a bunch of stuff and the natural low makes it feel like I have to expend twice as much energy to get everything done... then stress happens. Then I get to the point where my head hits the pillow and my first thought is "oh God give me good sleep so I have a chance of surviving tomorrow without collapsing."

But even through all of this, at least this time, I'm looking for lessons to be learned throughout all this. Identifying areas where I'm really not handling things well and trying to work on those especially so I can go into the next season, whatever it ends up being, with a better set of skills to work with. I'm getting a real intense crash course in trusting God to provide (which He has, in fact. I mean, I got like a month and a half's worth of groceries in the space of a few days. I'm still in awe of that whole sequence of events). I'm getting a great set of lessons about diligence and motivation. And true to form, no discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful (Hebrews 12 something... one of those verses I'll always remember because it was part of a Bobby McFerrin song).

And this is the part that I'm trying to really work on. We were listening to this book on tape about a fairly new field of bioengineering called biomimicry. The book is called the Shark's Paintbrush, written by the guy who more or less pioneered the field (at least form what he said in the book). I'm not even all that interested in the field, unlike my brother who is apparently enamored with it, but he said one thing that really caught my ear. Talking about his many breakdowns on the way to getting his ideas and products into the market, he said, "The trick is to turn a breakdown into a breakthrough." That caught my attention because it's a concept that's actually taught in my church, or at least the lessons I've been in. Like, that last hardest part where it seems like everything is going wrong is actually the point just before you finally push through to whatever it is you were going for. You just have to lean into it and be intentional about facing your issues. I'm good at facing my issues and acknowledging they're there. Sometimes I even wave, because many of them have been companions for a long time. I'm just not good at pressing into them and poking them until those weak spots become stronger. So I'm working on that. This fairly massive breakdown of a lack of job, possible lack of home, and a distinct not knowing if I'm going in the right direction with previous choices or if I need to admit that I was wrong and back pedal a bit to change course and right myself could turn into a major breakthrough if I can just get myself to press into it.

This verse also came to mind, thinking about how there is this mentality that life gets all hunky dory when you become a Christian. I thought of John 16:33b, "In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." So it's like, Jesus totally tells us outright that it's not going to be easy. A story is boring without conflict, and I've already decided that I'm going to try and make my life a really good story. But He's still on my side, and He's overcome it all already. I just have to learn to walk it that. That will probably be one of my main goals in 2014. Walk in overcoming. Sounds fun!

Holidailies Day 22: The Lion Sing

The title is basically my day. I mean, I sang at church this morning (and last night) with my family. Then we got to Reno and my uncle's house, and one of the first things we were asked was if we wanted to join in on a Hallelujah Chorus flash mob at the airport. So we quickly learned/re-hashed our parts really quickly and headed out. We sang it three different times, to three different flights coming in. It was fun. And then the people who've sung with our caroling groups stayed for a bit longer and sang a few more. Which was also fun.

At the end, my voice let me know after that it had been a very, very long time since I've sung that much in one go. It's now yelling at me every time I try to speak. It helped when we got to the next part of the day: THE LION KING!

We walked into the house and they were just starting the movie. Like, we walked in and the first thing we heard was the opening music. So of course I got super excited because The Lion King is definitely my favorite Disney cartoon movie outside of Pixar. Actually, even including Pixar movies. Lion King is absolutely one of my favorite movies ever. Since I was a little kid, but I still love it so much. Actually, even more now.

That's mostly because it's totally a Kingdom Jesus story, which I actually had realized before. But tonight when I was watching it, I totally got a ton of the things anew. I'll probably process it and post about it later. Or something along those lines. But now, I'm apparently about to be on the news (cause of the flash mob thing) and I should actually, you know, converse with my family. Details.

Holidailies Day 21: Testing, Testing

I decided to try doing this from my phone, since I didn't want to have to wait for my computer to start up. It doesn't even take that long, but I didn't have a whole lot to say and I get way too easily distracted by Facebook and games. This is way less likely to distract, but if there are any glaring typos, I blame autocorrect.

Tonight my family sang at church, just one song, but it was fun. And we do it again tomorrow, then jet off to hang out with family for a few days. Hopefully that will equal more time to formulate posts and all that. I feel like I haven't had huge amounts of time to devote the last coupe of days. Or maybe it's just that today was long, so it feels like that. At any rate, it's time for bed and I'm tired of typing on my phone. Tomorrow may be another short post, unless I remember to do it while we're driving out.

Holidailies Day 20: Appropriate? Are You Sure?

I've been thinking about the nature of media and the Christian responses to it. I realize that I'm jumping into a vat of controversy here, especially since I think the way that most Christians view media is... well, misguided. Or just outright wrong. There, I said it. I think you're wrong. It's okay. I'm wrong a lot and Jesus still love me. He loves you too.

Here's the funny thing though. Jesus loves everyone no matter how "wrong" they are in our sight. How does this relate to how Christians view the world of media? Only everything, in my opinion. Because here's the thing, and I'll keep coming back to this. Christians are commanded to love God, and love their neighbor. Two biggest things. So a Christian says "I love God, that's why I don't listen to death metal/watch Jersey Shore/read romance novels." I think that's a dangerous sort of statement. It holds the connotation that God decreed that these things were inherently bad.

Now, I love God. I also don't listen to death metal, but it's because I really have no love for that kind of music, just like dubstep or anything harder than Evanescence really (ask my brother... he's always trying to get me to listen to his music and I just look at him like he's insane). Just like I don't like 99.9% of Country music (and that .1% is in deference to Carrie Underwood because I love her voice and most of her music doesn't make me want to claw my eardrums out). But I don't think that God hates people who listen to music that I don't like. So why do I get in so much trouble sometimes for what I listen to? Yes, I tend to only listen to "Christian" music selectively. Yes, I listen to music that talks about some interesting things, or swears every once in awhile. I even think music that swears can have a good message still. I mentioned in my posts about Fantasy as a whole and about Harry Potter that I find Jesus in many things. If it happens to be in a song that swears, I'm not going to freak out. That's just not my thing.

And again, I'm not going to get on someone for consuming media that I don't like because I think my personal tastes equal God's edicts. There's this whole to-do on Facebook about the dude from Duck Dynasty. I don't even know exactly what he said, but I know that people on both sides are up in arms about it. And every conservative Christian is railing at A&E for their reaction. I'm not going to go off on a rant about it all, because I don't understand the issue well enough and frankly, I don't care that much. Except for this point. Whatever it was he said pissed off a lot of people, who already mostly hate the Church because we've been such jerks to them. This doesn't seem to me to be a very great example of the love of Christ for everyone. That's all I have to say about that.

It's the same basic concept for all media. When you broadly denounce a whole genre or artist you automatically put everyone who follows that on the defensive and when you tell a kid that listening to non-Christian music or reading a book about witches or watching a movie with sex in it will lead them straight to hell you introduce a whole world of guilt and condemnation where there should be none. "Therefore, there is then no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." Romans 8:1. I've quoted it before and I will continue to because I was condemned a whole lot long after I had dedicated to living in Christ Jesus, and it's why I get so uppity about these issues.

I wrote a short story awhile back that was published in Metonym Literary Journal, the second issue. It was called "The Real Me" and it talked about my journey with appropriate language and being told that my very being in a lot of ways wasn't "appropriate." So this isn't my first rodeo with this topic. I've been here awhile.

The thing is, when you have "Culture Wars" (a term I hear a lot, with various different meanings) without love, you just get people mad. Mad people don't listen. They also don't feel like you're loving them. When you call them stupid because what they listen to is "inappropriate" think about your definition of appropriate and how you enforce that. I'm not saying that everyone should totally go out and listen to anything, read anything. Please, don't go out and read 50 Shades. Not just because there is sex, and not "appropriate" sex at that. Because it's just written badly and even people who are supportive of BDSM don't like it (I've mentioned Laci Green? She had a whole rant about it). But if you are a Christian, recognize that there are people who read and love it and denouncing it as "of the Devil" may be true (in my opinion) but it's not going to win you a ton of friends. I'm never ever going to read Twilight ever again, but I know Christians who love it and I forgive them for their ignorance (again, I'm great at stating my opinion humbly...).

I feel like I'm repeating myself/getting off on rabbit trails. So here's my main point. Just because you don't like something doesn't mean that everyone else has to not like it. I feel like this is the most basic of life skills, taught in kindergarten. "Johnny likes green, but Julie likes pink. Johnny teased Julie about it and got in trouble because that's not very nice. Johnny's teacher asked him if he'd feel very good if Julie teased him about liking green, and he said he wouldn't. So Johnny apologized to Julie and gave her a pink flower. The end."

The problem is that Christians tend to forget this after we're in the Church. Or especially if you've been raised in the Church. We get confused because theology and opinion are taught so closely that you forget what's theology and what's opinion and then we get into trouble because God obviously hates sin and whatever we don't like gets superimposed onto our image of what "sin" looks like. Yeah God hates sin. But He loves the sinner. And if you go around denouncing everything that a person is doing because it's sin, they're not going to feel very loved. That's the main point.

Besides, God shows up everywhere. If I listen to secular music and hear Him in the middle of a Katy Perry song, I'm going to be horrified because Katy Perry (even if it's a great song... seriously. Unconditionally, look it up). But I'm going to recognize that God is there. If I'm reading pagan mythology, I'm going to recognize the parts that are true and the parts that are not because I've spent enough time with God to recognize Him there. In some areas it's clearer to me, in some places I can't. I let opinion get in the way. I just actually had a conversation with someone who loved Twilight because she saw Jesus in it, and the reasons she gave were very good and as much as it pained me, I had to admit that you could get that out of it. Do I agree that Twilight is awesome? Obviously not. But I respect that others can get Jesus out of it. I just ask that others respect that I can get Jesus out of some pretty weird places.

Holidailies Day 19: Flotsam and Jetsum

First off, I found this this link on Facebook today. It's my favorite, because it's Pentatonix, but not miked or anything just killing it. That to me is the height of talent, when you can do that without all the effects and still be that tight and sound that good, even on a not-great recording.

Second, I have no idea what to write today. I feel like after the great extremes of the last couple of posts, there's nowhere in the middle that seems appropriate. Today is the only day this week that I don't have somewhere to be outside of the house (I think... *goes to check calendar just in case*). Yep, no where to go. Having so many things going on so many nights of the week, I almost don't know what to do with myself when I have a free night at home anymore. Quite the contrast to the last couple of years when it was weird to have anything going on at night at all. I'm seriously considering knocking out my to-do list and then doing something crazy like sitting down to a movie, or playing a game or something like that. An introvert's dream night.

It will be nice to have that night of recharging before tomorrow, when I have my first job interview since the really draining one that kicked off the week of blah last week. I'm actually thankful for interviews, because I feel like on applications, I never come off as great so I'm always very happy when I get a chance to actually meet with people. And you can bet when I get a job I'll be dancing around, not just because I'm a fan of getting paid, but I WON'T HAVE TO FILL OUT ANY MORE STUPID APPLICATIONS ANYMORE!!!! It will be a great moment, when that realization finally hits.

Alas, until that time, I must away for there are more applications and they are calling my name saying "I could be the one who finally breaks the stalemate... just come to me... come and walk down the road of all the other jobs you've ever had... tell me why you want to work for me..."

Note: It may be a sign of the stress of a 3 month search that the applications are talking to me...

Holidailies Day 18: Abundance

When I think of the word abundance, I must admit my first thought is of that Impossible Quiz on the internet that I used to play obsessively when I wanted to waste time in college. It was one of the questions, where they had this cupcake like cartoon jumping up and it asked, "What is this?" The answer of course was, "a-bun-dance!"

Aside from old internet remembrances, abundance is not something that I've thought to have experienced too often in my life. At least not recently, when groceries consist of bread and hopefully some form of protein, and small amounts of fresh fruit if I want to be especially healthy. But God has been finally getting through to me that He is more than able to provide all that I need, and then exceedingly, abundantly more, if I just trust Him to take care of it.

The last couple of days have been interesting. Over the weekend, I determined that after the dismal week I had last week that I was done with feeling crappy and I decided to start the week off with a better attitude. It included getting up before 11 (always a good plan), being especially productive on Monday, having a hard day on Tuesday but still getting things taken care of and then a great day today which included baking and good food and the first creative breakthrough in writing since NaNo (thanks to my wonderful friend who found the answer to the question I've been asking myself for weeks now, in like 15 minutes).

It wasn't just days going better, even in the face of the hard news and minor emotional breakdown yesterday (though I did get a nap, so that was helpful on that front). It was blessing, and not just a little, but a ton of blessing. I go to the School of Leadership at my church, and the community there is my favorite. It became my favorite after my first week there. I love them so much, and that's on a normal day. This week, I love them especially because Christmas totally came early.

First, yesterday night a friend comes up to me and tells me she has a few groceries in the car. Considering the fact that my grocery shopping last weekend consisted of buying bread and some Cliff Bars as well as the cheapest caffeine I could find, I was beyond excited. And it was good stuff too. Really good. Then, as I was calling my aunt and telling her about this awesome blessing, another friend came up to me and gave me some cash which just added to the awesomeness. I couldn't even thank her properly, because I was on the phone, but I was soaring.

So I'm thinking, that's beyond awesome, right? How could I need anything more to provide for my needs Then tonight, I'm at school and another person comes up to me and says they have some food for me as well. And this one is what got me thinking about abundance. By the time I was done, I had food filling up the entire backseat of my car. The entire thing. It was better than the most epic trip to Wal-Mart ever. I got home and sprinted up my stairs to grab my roommate to help me carry it all up, because it would have taken me forever to do it on my own. That's how much food their was. I haven't even put it all away yet, just the frozen stuff. If I had put it all away, I wouldn't have had the time to write this and get it in before midnight.

The best part is that I have meat now. Like, tons of meat. For those of you who don't know me, I'm totally a carnivore and I feel like my food life is incomplete when there's not a little bit of meat involved. I know there are other ways of getting protein, but none of them are quite as satisfying. And again, it's not like cheap quality. It's so good that I did dances when I got up to my apartment and started unpacking it all. My roommate just stood there gaping when he saw how much there was. It's a veritable cornucopia.

The thing is, I've been super discouraged and stressed about financial stuff and for me not being able to by even my normal allotment of groceries the last couple of weeks was just the icing on the cake of suck. But I made the choice to not focus overly much on my circumstances and instead work off the "God is going to provide, I know it" mentality. Now I don't even know where I'm going to PUT all the food I have. I just can't even comprehend it. I'm still in shock and just giddy.

So now that I've gotten this all out, I'm going to go put away the rest of the food. And just because God is awesome like that, a lot of it is stuff that I don't necessarily have to eat right away, so I can make this blessing last for as long as I need it too, and bless others with it as I feel led (and I'm already brainstorming ways to do that). I'm so excited!

Holidailies Day 17: Remembering

I've been thinking about death a lot. That may sound morbid, but it's not something I chose to do necessarily. More like something that's come up. Yesterday the news hit Facebook that a man from my church was killed in a motorcycle accident. I only knew him in passing, but I know his wife and I know countless people who have been touched by him. If I didn't know how awesome he was, I wouldn't be able to miss it as all the remembrances flood Faceook today as people process the news and honor his life.

As much as I grieve for those who grieve over his death, this particular news and even the circumstances of the news trigger something else in me. Of when my older sister and my nephews, ages 13 and almost 10, were killed instantly in a fatal crash. I haven't spoken much of the events of May 5, 2013 since the weeks directly after it. I don't think I could really, without just going to pieces that I wasn't confident that I could pick up. Even now I may fail at it. But since then ANY incident involving automobiles with fatalities goes right to that place where I'm in the midst of my own grief and I can't escape without walking through another little piece of it. Even if I didn't know the person, I know. I know what the family is going through, or at least I have a reasonable idea based on my own experiences and watching my family go through it all.

So the events are inextricably intertwined in my mind. As much as I felt shock and horror as I read the news yesterday, I jumped back instantly to the shock and horror as I got the text message and voicemail to call my father ASAP after I got off of work on that Monday morning. The haze that fills your life as you struggle to comprehend the magnitude of what just happened.

Everything in your life immediately takes on a then and now quality. The reality when things hit like, I'll never get a call from them on a weekend again. I'll never call them on their birthdays again to marvel at how fast they're growing up (at least for the boys. Joy and I would just marvel at the fact that her birthday meant that mine was imminent, and how crazy THAT was). Then I could have the hope, the anticipation of seeing them on the holidays, of getting increasingly bone-crushing hugs from Jesse and sweet hugs and kisses from Justin and sharing smirks and raised eyebrows with Joy as we participated in our shared humor. Now I face a reality in which they'll never be there for the big things, for holidays, for graduations, for weddings, for births. In which their dreams and goals are suddenly never going to be fulfilled. Joy had just finished her CPA certificate and AA in Accounting. She was going to start her own business, again. The boys had their passions and 4H goals and their whole lives ahead of them.

There is no easy way to deal with the grief. I know this. But I can recommend how to not do it, based on my own journey. Isolating yourself is a bad plan. Not just because you need to be able to talk about it and friends are the best outlet, you need to be around people who can remind you what it's like to feel happy and not like you're about to be overtaken by the sheer magnitude of the fallout. Remembering hurts like nothing else, because you're reliving moments that will never be repeated. But not remembering hurts worse. It turns it into a long, drawn out process of getting hit with moments when you can't hold it back anymore and it incapacitates you for longer.

I can't speak to the theology of the situation, not with any clarity anyway. The ins and outs of why these things happen are not clear. I just know that for me the only thing that's saved me from going off the deep end has been the ability to run into God's embrace and fall apart when His arms are there to keep me from scattering. I don't believe for a second that God meant these things to happen, nor that He caused them. I think, in my life, He's given it to me as an opportunity to wake up and take control of my life in a way that Joy always encouraged me to do, even as she dealt with many of the same issues. It took me awhile to be able to move very far in that direction, but I believe I finally am even as I deal with other circumstances standing in my way.

It's going to be a day of processing, I believe. Processing the current circumstances that my whole community is dealing with, processing what that drags up for me. Praying constantly for all involved, especially this man's wife and daughters, and the rest of his family. And declaring the knowledge of God's love in the midst. Especially that.

Blessings.

Holidailies Day 16: Why I Read Harry Potter (And Why Jesus Is Okay With It)

To understand where this post is coming from, know that I have heard and paid attention to every Christian argument about Harry Potter and considered them in due time. And still, in the 13 years since I've been embroiled in this debate by virtue of being one of the ones in my conservative community who not only didn't see a problem with them but loved them, I've never once faltered from my wholehearted support of these books. I'm now going to attempt the considerable challenge of stating my reasons for this without getting too snarky/condemning, because I've endured a lot of personal attacks over this subject and I'm working on being better about not retaliating. Despite my talent for it.

Reason 1: I'm not afraid. What do I mean by this? I mean that 90% of the arguments I hear about why people should stay away from Harry Potter are by people who are so afraid of being led astray that they create unnecessary rules. So let me state right here and now: Witchcraft is a thing. It's real, it's not a new thing by any stretch of the imagination. Harry Potter is not real witchcraft. How do I know this? Because I've studied the real thing. Not practiced, just researched to see exactly what I was dealing with. Besides, anyone who has a passion for Ancient Celtic culture runs into it more often than not, because so many of the symbols are tied up in the ancient pagan practices. So yes, I know that it's real. I know that it's not something to be played with. And I know that Harry Potter, from everything I've ever read or seen, isn't close in philosophy or practice.

Aside from that, for Christians, there is one truth that I think a lot of us overlook too often. We have absolutely no reason to be afraid of anything in the spiritual realm that is not of God. Because we have God. Who wins. Every time. Yes, they have power, and they use it. But our source is greater. If we truly believe that, we have no cause to be afraid of inferior power. Just saying.

And also, it's the philosophy of light and dark in practice. There is nothing dark that does not have a greater light side. Satan cannot create, he can only imitate and twist that which God has already created. So if there's power in pagansim, there's greater power in God that He gives Christians free access to through the Holy Spirit. It's a much more wholesome redemptive power too, and altogether awesome.

This also goes back to my post about fantasy and why it's not something to be feared.

Reason 2: I find Jesus so often in Harry Potter. Seriously. The story is based on a boy who is protected from the greatest evil powers BECAUSE OF HIS PARENT'S LOVING SACRIFICE. Furthermore, he is given the power to defeat that evil power once and for all by the knowledge of their love for him. And that's just the beginning of it. The entire series is based on the power of love, to redeem any situation even if the characters in question have been acting like brats the entire time (those who've read the series know that the entirety of Harry's rebellious years were somewhat annoying to read, and had real consequences to boot, which was a fairly good life lesson).

What people don't understand is that so much of Western literature is based on our cultural foundations in Christendom. Whether we want it there or not, the seeds are there, sprouting up in the oddest places. God has a way of making Himself present in unusual places. It's Christmas, for heaven's sake. We celebrate the fact that He CHOSE to be born into a food trough in the middle of a stable. If that's not unusual, I don't know what is.

If you want further proof, look at the entire study of pre-Christian mythology. I went to a lecture on C.S. Lewis and his relationship with mythology, and completely agreed with what he said. Mythology was God's way of preparing the hearts and minds of people to believe in something larger than themselves. The majority of myths from all over the world follow the same pattern of story as the Bible, or they have similar concepts presented within them.

So basically, Jesus is everywhere. I see Him all over the place. Even in Harry Potter. Especially in Harry Potter.

Reason 3: As a reader, and as one who is passionate about education, I cannot deny the effect Harry Potter had on a number of kids who had previously sworn off reading. The talent of J.K. Rowling to tackle such real issues in the midst of the fantastical drew a whole generation of readers in, a whole generation of kids who grew up with the characters. If you've never read the books, you're missing out. I'm not denying that they get dark. They're intense reads from book 4 on. But since when is LIFE ever all hunky-dory? Not only does that make for a boring story, it's not true.

I've never been a fan of neutering reality out of literature in the name of "protecting" kids. Especially not after they've hit puberty and in many cultures and societies would be considered to be capable of acting and thinking as adults in most areas of life. What it really does, in my experience, is remove a person's ability to deal with reality when it hits.

Simple example: When I was a kid, I was sheltered utterly from all forms of bad language. In a militant sort of way. I was one of those kids who got in trouble for saying "dang it." But I never even knew the majority of the real words, the ones that I should have been avoiding. So when I heard a friend using the word "sh*t" I had no idea that it wasn't appropriate. Until of course, I had adopted it into my language and got in trouble for using it. Had I known what to watch out for, I might have avoided it.

Empowerment is what I'm talking about, really. By letting kids know that life isn't always going to be the happiest of things, and giving them actual tools to deal with that, we're empowering them to take their challenges in stride. By sheltering overmuch, you're producing the opposite effect. There is no way to protect any person from hurt. The best we can do is love them enough to give them weapons to battle the hurt. I'm reminded of the quote, "Evil never wins unless good men do nothing." I forget who said it, or even if that's the right wording, but the point is there.

I could go on for days, but I'll stop there. There's this annoying thing called life that I took a brief break from to write this, and it's calling my name now. *sighs and walks off muttering "Accio job applications"...*

Holidailies Day 15: My Heart

Well, first off, I feel sorta bad because I finally missed a day. And it was totally a procrastination + last minute plans happening thing, so I can't even complain. I went to my friend's place after church and ate awesome food, had awesome conversation at a level that I don't get very often outside of an academic setting and it was wonderful. Plus we read some poetry, and I revisited that time my senior year in college when I wrote that one thing that I was told to never change, just submit to get published. Which was pretty much the highlight of all four years at school. It was an awesome night, even if I got home so late I that got minimal amounts of sleep before church this morning.

Anyways, between yesterday hanging out with friends from Jessup and today hanging out with friends from church, I feel like I came back to life a little bit after falling apart last week and isolating as I'm wont to do. I was thinking that a huge part of my struggle is losing sight of what it really is that motivates me. What my heart is, and really has always been, those convictions that push me forward. I can talk about them all day long, but if I'm still not connected to them, I lose myself. And it's a really unhappy place to be.

So this is more of an exercise as I feel out what my heart is for certain situations, a way to get me back on track. I felt like I should blog about it, because that way it's all in one place and I can have a place to refer people when they ask. Here goes:

My heart is to love, first and foremost. And as a part of that, to not control. In my experience people trying to control others around them never ends well. I'm trying to break myself of that tendency as a result.

My heart is to help people discover who they are. And help them be the best they can be.

My heart is to empower people, by not being afraid to tell them the hard truths that you need to hear to have a full picture of the world. And by encouraging them to think for themselves, to discover what it is they need to know to be fully present in the world.

My heart is to bring light to darkness. It's why I love words so much. There's so much power in them, to bring light to dark corners of our life. It's a heady sword to wield, and it can be used for so much ill in the wrong hands. But...

My heart is to develop my craft so that I become the right hands.

My heart is to be courageous about what I write and say.

My heart is to teach, not just English or writing, but anything I can wrap my mind around. Even if I just learned it the day before and I'm learning more as I go along.

My heart is to be able to bless people everyday, financially or otherwise.

My heart is to be the best version of myself, the version that I know Jesus sees when He looks at me.


I think that's all for now. There are other things, but I'm drawing blanks and I still have many chores that have been pushed aside for the sake of having a social life. Tomorrow sets off a week of holiday insanity and trying to pick up everything that got dropped last week. Lord willing, I'll be able to convince my brain to shut itself down BEFORE midnight to prepare for such things. Here's hoping.

Holidailies Day 13: Yikes!

Well, I almost missed today. Almost. Hazards of evening activities coming up last minute when one has been putting off doing things. But it was fun! And tomorrow, there will be a real post, almost certainly!

In the meantime, for your viewing pleasure, David Tennant and Catherine Tate. Because I was reminded of this sketch tonight.

This has got to be my favorite of this pair outside of Doctor Who. One, because Catherine Tate is stunning. Two because David Tennant's Scottish accent. OH MY GOSH HIS ACCENT.

Anyways, I'm going to sleep or some such thing now. Tomorrow, a post. That's longer than this. I promise.

Holidailies Day 12: ?

Today is one of those blank days. When motivation is missing, and inspiration for blogging is fairly non-existent. So I'm more doing this because I don't want to let a day go by without putting in my daily words. Because I'm trying to keep up some semblance of discipline, even in the midst of blah days (I even did the dishes, the most hated of household chores, AND got dressed before 3 pm). And also, I told myself that I couldn't play any games of any sort or watch a movie or whatever I choose to do for the rest of the night until such a time as I blogged. So here I am! Yay! Talking about a number of things that are interesting to me currently.

I decided in my job search that I would try to go back to Craigslist. And then, I realized why I had stayed away from Craigslist for so long. Because it sucks. And the format is so un-inspiring, it actually sucks inspiration away that you had before you started looking on there. It's an inspiration vacuum. Maybe that's why it took me so long to get around to this blog... because Craigslist... Plus I run into the "entry-level position" that wants 3 years of experience everywhere there. I just stare at the pages and say, "you keep using those words. I do not think they mean what you think they mean." Or using job titles that make you think that they could be something pretty ground level... like "in training" and then they want you to have significant amounts of training before training. Or my favorite, childcare positions that require you to have 6 units of ECE classes. Because 15 years of working with kids, plus a Developmental Psych course (doesn't count as ECE), and you know, common sense doesn't qualify me enough. Argh.

Okay, job search rant over. It's just frustrating when there are "so many jobs" but it seems like I only qualify for 1 out of 20, and then half of those I'm "overqualified" for. And all the time the deadline for being employed or else drifts closer and closer. Not so fun. Very not fun in fact.

And... I don't even know what else to write about. That's been the main thing on my mind all day. Which is probably why I'm already mentally exhausted and ready to do anything but think about life. This is when those obsessive tendencies that lead me to getting so into fandoms work against me... Hopefully tomorrow will be a more hopeful day. Until then, have a better day than I did!

Holidailies Day 11: Ten Books

Well, I mean to do this yesterday, but my plans got hijacked by the Facebook post I ended up writing about. It's okay though. I'm not complaining. It was fun. And this will also be fun.

Over at the blog of the guy who invented Holidailies, Richard AKA Underpope (also one of the fabulous Municipal Liaisons for the Sacramento NaNo region) I found this post with one of those wonderful internet surveys that I used to eat up when I was in Jr. High/High School. It used to be passed by email, and then Facebook became a thing, and so it came to this. This one is thankfully less banal than the ones of yesteryear, otherwise I wouldn't subject people to it.

So here it is. The challenge is to list ten books that changed your life. The challenging part, at least for most people who are avid readers, is narrowing it down to only ten. Technically, I'm supposed to tag a bunch of people but I'm going to forgo that for this: If you want to have fun and be a cool person, you should do this. If not, you're still cool you just probably won't have fun with this. And now, without further adieu, I proudly present, in no particular order of importance... My Ten Books That Changed My Life:

1. Animorphes #1: The Invasion - K.A. Applegate wrote this amazing series of urban sci-fi books that really opened my eyes to a whole other genre when I started reading them at age 10, after years of Babysitter's Club and other more mainstream kid's lit. For the first time it wasn't just normal kids doing fairly normal things and dramatizing them. It was normal kids in a normal world (unlike the fantastical worlds of fairy tales or Narnia) being thrust into extraordinary circumstances and becoming extraordinary to match them. It gave me a whole new area of reading to explore, one where anything fantastical could happen.
2. The Lord of the Rings - J.R.R. Tolkien is a master. My friend used to call him an insane genius, because he had to be both to create an entire world with histories and languages and every detail you could ever hope. I tend to agree, because WOW. Now, I do have a confession to make: I saw the Fellowship of the Ring movie before I read these books. However, I did read all three of the books, multiple times before Two Towers came out, so I feel that makes up for it. I don't even know what to say about these books other than they enchanted me, and continue to enchant me. I recently listened to all three of them in full on my iPod while driving for about two months straight. I would occasionally get so giddy over how brilliant they were that I would giggle and then be very glad that I was alone in my car. They're just that good.
3. The Chronicles of Narnia - C.S. Lewis became a part of my childhood when my father read the Chronicles to me slowly, but surely, before bed each night that he was home. Since then I've read all of them myself countless times, but those first readings still stick with me.
4. Alanna: The First Adventure - Tamora Pierce drew me in with one simple fact: Her heroine had my name, and more importantly SHE SPELLED IT CORRECTLY. When I was 14 and had rarely come across someone who could spell my name right on the first go, I was quite impressed and determined to read such a book. Add to that the fact that she was a ginger (something I've always longed to be), had purple eyes (one of my favorite colors), and was not content to be shoved into a girl's rightful place in a Medieval society, and I was hooked. I have a tendency to read through books that I get into in days, and to this day 10 years later, I can still blast through a Tamora Pierce quartet in a day or two. And still be astounded by how much I love them after so long. I DEVOURED her books when I first discovered they existed, and then made it a point to own all of them so that I wouldn't have to depend on the library whenever the fancy struck me. In fact, I just finished re-reading Bloodhound, the second of the Beka Cooper trilogy, which is definitely high on the list of my favorites though I still cannot find any heroine that I love more than Alianne, Alanna's daughter.
5. The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams sparked in me a massive love for off the wall, extremely dry humor. Or maybe more helped me figure out that this was really where my sense of humor was meant to be. This book (and the rest of the 5 book trilogy) had me laughing so hard I cried 99% of the time. And it was my inspiration for my first NaNo novel, and one of my favorite short stories that I've ever written, which definitely guarantees it a spot on this list.
6. Many Waters - Madeline L'Engle wrote many books that sat me flat on my butt in absolute awe. A Ring of Endless Light and A Swiftly Tilting Planet were in hot competition with this one, but Many Waters won out because of it's focus on something slightly less metaphysical, at least for me. The metaphysical is more mind-boggling. The retake on the story of Noah, on the other hand, took something that I knew from the cradle practically, and reshaped it into a story that seemed like it could have actually happened. Not that the original Bible story was unrealistic, but it did leave out a lot of details. Details that L'Engle filled in with such incredible skill that it became one of my favorite of all of her books.
7. Dreamland - Let me just preface this by saying I wrote my senior paper for my BA in English on Sarah Dessen, so I could (literally) go on for pages about any one of her books. They've been constant companions since I was 13, and like Tamora Pierce, I can re-read any of them at any time and find solace. But Dreamland is different from all the others. Dreamland actually really annoyed me the first time I read it. Actually, scratch that: it pissed me off. I wasn't expecting the emotional wrench that it threw into the works, and I swore never to read it again until I did my paper. It was then that I reread it, dreading it, and ended up falling in love. Because at the core, even with all the horrible scenes (especially the scene at the very end that makes me cry EVERY TIME), it's a book about identity and what to do when your identity is caught up in so many other people that you don't even know who you are anymore. And then how you deal with it when you finally see yourself and realize that you hate what you see. The end of the book, where Caitlin is finally herself and is okay with herself is the best redemptive ending of any of Dessen's stories, even if it is more subtle than the others. 
8. Virgins - The effect that this Caryl Rivers book had on my life when I first read it in high school is a little difficult to quantify. Despite never getting up to any of the hijinks that they did, I identified with the characters and their stories and their experiences growing up in a hyper-conservative religious culture. I recently re-read both this book, and the sequel Girls Forever Brave and True, and I think more than anything what it fostered in me was the idea that writing could be my out. My way of making my voice heard. And that as a woman, I could be a powerful person, changing the face of the world.
9. Harry Potter - I got the first book of this series when I was 11. My grandmother bought it for me while I was staying at their house in Lake Almanor that summer, and in the week that we both had it there, we both read it at least 3 times, trading it back and forth. It was that enchanting. It wasn't until I got home and my mother freaked out that I found out that there was a huge fuss happening over the books in the Church. Which didn't stop me from going to the library over the next few years and reading the rest of the books on the sly until I was 16 and finally convinced my parents that I wasn't going to become a witch as a result of reading the books. I could write a whole post about why I read them (and might at some point this month). But aside from that, I was of the generation of kids who more or less grew up with these characters. The way they were released, I was the same age as the characters all the way up until the seventh book when I was just a year older than them. It's one of those things that becomes part of your life. Funny story, I'm currently wearing a Gryffindor shirt that my dad picked up from a thrift store. 
10. The Bible - I would be remiss if I didn't include this on a list, because as cliche as it might sound, for me The Bible has been both the most constant and the single most life-changing book I've ever read. So much of my personal history is caught up in it, not just because I was raised with the desire and goal to know it better than I know myself. But I can tell you, having read through it cover to cover multiple times, that there is never a lack of new information, new revelations to be found. Or old revelations that needed to be re-found. It's a remarkable piece of literature, aside from it's sacred nature, and then because of it. 

Phew. That was a little longer than I expected. Though I don't know why I expected I could be concise about BOOKS and my favorite books no less. Oh well. Now I'm going to go... well, eat lunch and probably read. Because again, books. My favorites.

Holidailies Day 10: Living In A Fantasy World

I was derping about the interwebs today, just scrolling through my Facebook feed and I came across a post that caught my attention. It was a post from one of the admins of a page that I've been following for months now, that posts some great material on Fantasy/Sci-Fi fandoms. The post was as follows:

"'I just read yet another article about how games, especially fantasy MMORPGs and RPGs are making kids worship Satan and fake gods, as well as become latent homosexuals. 
Oh yeah, I had forgotten I was a lesbian as a result of playing such games. Lol, silly me.'

I posted this on my personal account just moments ago and: 

a) I'm not actually gay. That was sarcasm, huehuehue.
b) This is completely and utterly wrong.

Sexuality is not a choice and yes, games may influence some aspects of a person's life, but it sure isn't forcing kids into worshipping a certain deities.
It was a religious man who wrote this. A religious man who says that fantasy is the seed of evil that should not be allowed to grow.

I just can't even breathe right now. I am so mad."

Now let's just let that take a minute to let that sink in. Fantasy games, like World of Warcraft and Skyrim (MMORPG and RPG respectively), are making (MAKING) kids worship Satan. Oh, and become latent homosexuals. Which actually doesn't make sense to me. Wouldn't it be making kids act homosexual? As in an active participation in homosexual practices? That's not what latent means. It could be stirring up latent tendencies, and transferring them to active practices. Sorry, that's my English nerd coming out. Back to the point. These Fantasy games are obviously, in this guy's mind, the cause of all evils in the world. Including Satan worship (which if you research it doesn't actually include a lot of worshiping Satan. It's a kinda humanistic tradition, in fact). 

I didn't even ask to find out who it was that said this, who wrote the article so I could go look it up, or anything. I don't even need to, because these are not new sentiments, and they're definitely not only held by a small group of narrow-minded people. There are widespread beliefs, maybe not spoken about, but certainly held by a LOT of Christians and, frankly, it annoys the crap out of me. Why? There are two reasons: One, because I think (after years of careful study on the subject) that they're completely off base. Two, because with this so called culture war, they're effectively alienated a huge group of people, including every person of my generation who has ever played a video game. Which is a solid majority. Or everyone who has ever read books like Lord of the Rings or the Chronicles of Narnia (which were both written by Christians, or had you forgotten?). It's like this huge outcry that Christians have made into broad sweep denouncing books and movies that people put their lives into. And then they wonder why they all hate Christians.

Meanwhile, you have people like me who are on both sides, so to speak. What do we do when we love to play Skyrim but really hate to be accused of worshiping Thalos (the god of the Nords, for those who haven't played) or the Nine Divines? Or, worse yet the Daedra. Not pleasant creatures, overall. I definitely wouldn't want to worship them, especially since, you know, I love Jesus. 

The people who get into these things are often people who are highly creative, highly imaginative, and just by reading these books, playing these games, or watching these movies, can create their own worlds for themselves to exist in when life gets tough as it is wont to do. Great people, amazing people. I know so many of them. And I know so many of them that can't stand religion, and frankly, who can blame them? As much as I love Jesus, I'm definitely not a fan of most religion as it is currently practiced. And if they're connecting religion with Jesus, no wonder they're not likely to ever step foot in a church. Especially when there's a good chance that when they do they're going to get told that as soon as they get Jesus they're going to have to give up all those things in their life that are a part of how they grew to view the world. 

Fandoms... Fandoms become a part of you. I can't even imagine what high school would have been like if I hadn't had Lord of the Rings or Pirates of the Caribbean. Or any of the Tamora Pierce books that I devoured repeatedly (I'm actually re-reading one of her books now). Or if I'd never read Harry Potter, one of the most hotly contested Fantasy series of my lifetime. If you're in this world, chances are you're not accepted in most other areas of your life, and the acceptance you find is heady. And actually, being completely honest, after being in the Church my whole life, I found greater acceptance in fandoms in high school than I ever had before. Now, part of it was connected, as I finally found Christian friends who had the same interests as me. But I also found websites where I could chat on forums, role play in chat rooms, with complete strangers who were made familiar by the fact that they identified with me on one major area. As the internet grew, that place of acceptance did too, and if people wonder why I spend so much time on the internet, I tell them the truth. It's where I find my people, more often than not. I can go on Facebook and scattered between the real life updates of my friends are the fan pages that I follow, some of which I'm active enough commenting on that I've developed acquaintances with some of the admins. 

If the Church can't offer the same level of the acceptance to people like me, there are some things that are seriously wrong with how we're dealing with people. I finally found a church that did, and it was like "oh yeah, this is how it was supposed to be my whole life!" It's amazing! But so many other churches don't function like that, so there's still an issue. I'm not going to go into a whole dissertation on why Fantasy is a perfectly acceptable thing, and an amazing thing in fact. This post is already really long. I'll attack it later this week, possibly. I'm just going to say this:

If you're a Christian, your first and greatest commandment is to LOVE. Love God, then love others. For the record, others includes everyone who thinks that ComiCon must be a pretty good representation of heaven. Because you know what? Jesus made them, just like He made you. He also loves them, just like He loves you. And just in case you hadn't guessed, viciously attacking the very things that a person builds their life around is not a very loving thing. It doesn't matter if you agree with them. I don't agree with a lot of people, including you. I still love you. I still listen to what you have to say, and I do my best to reply in a way that is not derisive. If I fail, I'm human. I try to do better next time, instead of pretending I meant to fail and doing it over and over again to prove it was intentional. When you attack them, I'm the one who goes in and prays that my example can assure them that not all Christians are like that, and that Jesus certainly isn't like that. If you could help me out every once in awhile by being the example yourself, I'd be much obliged. Thank you, and have a blessed day.

Holidailies Day 9: My Thoughts On...?

I don't actually know what to write about today, which is why I've put it off until later. This is usually the time of night when my mind unblocks itself after running around in circles all day, but alas, such a thing has not yet happened. Mostly what I can think of are things about today that just... weren't ideal. It was too cold (I know, I'm a Californian wimp to the core, but at least I own it). I got up super early to go to a job interview which made me go out in the super cold, actually scrape my windshield of the fairly thick layer of ice that had accumulated on the entire car (I would have been impressed, except for my hands were freezing), and then get stuck in traffic on the way down to interview for a job that ended up being exactly what I wasn't looking for, in just about every way possible other than the fact that it would make me money (albeit not much). The feeling was mutual. So my day got off to a great start! Then I got to go home and apply for more jobs! You know the job search is getting desperate when I'm going back to Craigslist, which I swore never to use again after I found some way more promising looking sites, just to widen my pool of opportunities.

I'm attempting to trust God in this. Attempting, I say, because I'm not sure how well it's going. Some days I'm good, I can rest well and be peaceful. Days like today, I'm just overwhelmed and trying to just keep going until it's time to go into the blessed release of sleep. I know that it's these times of life when the rubber really hits the road, so to speak. Problem is, I feel like I can't even find the road, at least not the one that leads to being able to support myself financially.

I don't really know what else to say. It's entirely possible that I'll wake up tomorrow, with a totally new perspective and a way to figure things out. I'm really kinda counting on that, because more of what I got today just would not be a good plan. It would lead to bad places that I don't want to go back to. That I won't go back to. I'm declaring that right now. I'm not going back to the darkest of places that I spent too long in before I moved to Rocklin. It's not going to happen, because I've got my Jesus, and the knowledge of His love is too great for me to go back now. Thus it is said, thus it shall be done.

Holidailies Day 8: Of Creativity

There have been two things on my mind lately about my creative pursuits. One is writing, and not just because of the obvious NaNo happenings. There are other aspects of it as well. The other is music, and why I've pulled back from actively participating in music. And more recently, why I've been feeling the lack of active participation.

We'll start with writing I suppose. It's weird to me to go from writing every day, being so consumed by one story that all the rest of life fades away to a mere blip on the radar of my mind. I got so absentminded during NaNo, it was kinda sad. When I went down to the Bay for the Doctor Who 50th, I was eating with a friend in a restaurant and the girl serving us didn't even place I was so preoccupied. Then, when I paid, our server was like, "I thought I recognized you!" Turns out she was a girl who had gone to not one, not two, but three of the churches I'd previous attended with my parents. I've known her since I was 8, and as soon as she pointed it out to me it clicked, but I'd gone through the whole meal not recognizing her at all... My only comment to my friend afterwards was, "see, I told you, this is my brain on NaNo."

But that's not the only aspect of my writing. I mean, NaNo is amazing, but it's still only one month out of the year. There are a whole other 11 months in which I have to reign in/utilize my writing all on my own, which is a much scarier prospect actually. That's part of the reason I decided to do Holidailies, so that I could have an outlet directly after NaNo that wasn't connected to my novel. But currently the project that's weighing the heaviest on my mind isn't actually my NaNo novel (though I certainly haven't forgotten it...). It's this children's book that I'm supposed to be writing for my Nikao art class. I'm actually really stoked, because writing a children's book has always seemed like a fun and somewhat challenging thing to undertake. Because it is difficult, taking concepts and tailoring the language to a certain age group. I'm not usually good at doing it, which is why I decided after a few telling experiences that I should never teach elementary or younger for a living. But I figured for one book, how hard can it be? The answer is: extremely. So difficult. Like, it will be fun, I know, after I get the basic details sorted out in my head and start actually writing. But even the task of creating a plot that is simple enough for kids, but still complex enough to get the point across is daunting. Even more so when I'm already dealing with some form of creative hangover from NaNo. One thing is for certain: it will be very interesting to see where this book ends up. Because at some point (probably tonight) I'm just going to have to bite the bullet and start writing no matter how much planning I have (or haven't) done, and hope it turns out decent enough to edit without a full re-write.

As for music, it's been a mess of mixed feelings for the last few years. On the one hand, I love it. I love it so much. I don't think I've ever gone a day without listening to music, or humming with whatever happens to be stuck in my head. Singing is one of those things that comes naturally to me, playing piano not so much, but still fun in it's own way. Music has always been a direct line to my soul, and when you combine it with my other love, words and get deep poetic lyrics it's basically my favorite thing ever. And why, most of the time, I can't stand pop stuff that talks about nothing. Even if I disagree with an interesting lyric, I'll still listen to it because it's interesting and I want to decipher it (like the Lorde song Royals which I'm vaguely certain is not something that I really should enjoy but the lyrics are mysterious enough to keep me listening, especially with the good music accompanying it).

On the other hand, after nearly 8 years of being heavily involved in choirs, ensembles, and music ministry (either as the performer or the tech), I've taken an almost complete hiatus from it. There have been reasons for that, some of them good, most of them not. So aside from filling in the gaps at camp when needed, or the occasional foray back into caroling with my mom's group (which I'm not even doing actively this season, which is weird after 10 years of singing with them), I've not done any sort of performing in 2 1/2 years. I realized this month how much I miss it. Not just the social aspect. But I miss training as a soloist, as well as a part of an ensemble. The amount of personal growth training my voice inspired was I think overshadowed at the time that I was taking lessons in school, because of all the other things going on. I forgot that the one thing that I have ever written that I turned in and was told to not edit, because it was as close to perfect as possible, was about singing. The creative pursuit that really was my first love, because I've only really been seriously writing in the last 14 years or so, and I've been singing my whole life. I forgot in the midst of finding my writing voice (which is exciting, don't get me wrong) that I found my singing voice too. It didn't help that the whole last semester of school was tainted with drama over music, but it wasn't something that I needed to let get to me so much.

Granted, I went into a period of being lost in both of these pursuits after college. But while writing became an outlet, even though I was writing absolute trash, singing fell by the wayside. I'm not sure why, but now I'm ready to bring it back. Even if it means facing the fact that I have let my voice go and training it back up is going to be a super huge pain in the butt. My hope is that with job will come enough money to buy at least a cheap keyboard (though I wish I could move the piano that I inherited into my apartment... I'm not sure that would be allowed though, and I am sure it wouldn't fit). And with the keyboard, I will again be able to take lessons and get my voice back into shape. In the meantime, I'm trying to be intentional about how I sing even when I'm just singing along to something. It's just frustrating when something that was once as easy as breathing (which is a stupid saying actually... as a singer, breathing is hard) is now a stretch, or unattainable. But that's what I get for not singing at the level I was used to for so long. Time to suck it up and move on.

And in the meantime, I'm going to go write a children's book...