There have been two things on my mind lately about my creative pursuits. One is writing, and not just because of the obvious NaNo happenings. There are other aspects of it as well. The other is music, and why I've pulled back from actively participating in music. And more recently, why I've been feeling the lack of active participation.
We'll start with writing I suppose. It's weird to me to go from writing every day, being so consumed by one story that all the rest of life fades away to a mere blip on the radar of my mind. I got so absentminded during NaNo, it was kinda sad. When I went down to the Bay for the Doctor Who 50th, I was eating with a friend in a restaurant and the girl serving us didn't even place I was so preoccupied. Then, when I paid, our server was like, "I thought I recognized you!" Turns out she was a girl who had gone to not one, not two, but three of the churches I'd previous attended with my parents. I've known her since I was 8, and as soon as she pointed it out to me it clicked, but I'd gone through the whole meal not recognizing her at all... My only comment to my friend afterwards was, "see, I told you, this is my brain on NaNo."
But that's not the only aspect of my writing. I mean, NaNo is amazing, but it's still only one month out of the year. There are a whole other 11 months in which I have to reign in/utilize my writing all on my own, which is a much scarier prospect actually. That's part of the reason I decided to do Holidailies, so that I could have an outlet directly after NaNo that wasn't connected to my novel. But currently the project that's weighing the heaviest on my mind isn't actually my NaNo novel (though I certainly haven't forgotten it...). It's this children's book that I'm supposed to be writing for my Nikao art class. I'm actually really stoked, because writing a children's book has always seemed like a fun and somewhat challenging thing to undertake. Because it is difficult, taking concepts and tailoring the language to a certain age group. I'm not usually good at doing it, which is why I decided after a few telling experiences that I should never teach elementary or younger for a living. But I figured for one book, how hard can it be? The answer is: extremely. So difficult. Like, it will be fun, I know, after I get the basic details sorted out in my head and start actually writing. But even the task of creating a plot that is simple enough for kids, but still complex enough to get the point across is daunting. Even more so when I'm already dealing with some form of creative hangover from NaNo. One thing is for certain: it will be very interesting to see where this book ends up. Because at some point (probably tonight) I'm just going to have to bite the bullet and start writing no matter how much planning I have (or haven't) done, and hope it turns out decent enough to edit without a full re-write.
As for music, it's been a mess of mixed feelings for the last few years. On the one hand, I love it. I love it so much. I don't think I've ever gone a day without listening to music, or humming with whatever happens to be stuck in my head. Singing is one of those things that comes naturally to me, playing piano not so much, but still fun in it's own way. Music has always been a direct line to my soul, and when you combine it with my other love, words and get deep poetic lyrics it's basically my favorite thing ever. And why, most of the time, I can't stand pop stuff that talks about nothing. Even if I disagree with an interesting lyric, I'll still listen to it because it's interesting and I want to decipher it (like the Lorde song Royals which I'm vaguely certain is not something that I really should enjoy but the lyrics are mysterious enough to keep me listening, especially with the good music accompanying it).
On the other hand, after nearly 8 years of being heavily involved in choirs, ensembles, and music ministry (either as the performer or the tech), I've taken an almost complete hiatus from it. There have been reasons for that, some of them good, most of them not. So aside from filling in the gaps at camp when needed, or the occasional foray back into caroling with my mom's group (which I'm not even doing actively this season, which is weird after 10 years of singing with them), I've not done any sort of performing in 2 1/2 years. I realized this month how much I miss it. Not just the social aspect. But I miss training as a soloist, as well as a part of an ensemble. The amount of personal growth training my voice inspired was I think overshadowed at the time that I was taking lessons in school, because of all the other things going on. I forgot that the one thing that I have ever written that I turned in and was told to not edit, because it was as close to perfect as possible, was about singing. The creative pursuit that really was my first love, because I've only really been seriously writing in the last 14 years or so, and I've been singing my whole life. I forgot in the midst of finding my writing voice (which is exciting, don't get me wrong) that I found my singing voice too. It didn't help that the whole last semester of school was tainted with drama over music, but it wasn't something that I needed to let get to me so much.
Granted, I went into a period of being lost in both of these pursuits after college. But while writing became an outlet, even though I was writing absolute trash, singing fell by the wayside. I'm not sure why, but now I'm ready to bring it back. Even if it means facing the fact that I have let my voice go and training it back up is going to be a super huge pain in the butt. My hope is that with job will come enough money to buy at least a cheap keyboard (though I wish I could move the piano that I inherited into my apartment... I'm not sure that would be allowed though, and I am sure it wouldn't fit). And with the keyboard, I will again be able to take lessons and get my voice back into shape. In the meantime, I'm trying to be intentional about how I sing even when I'm just singing along to something. It's just frustrating when something that was once as easy as breathing (which is a stupid saying actually... as a singer, breathing is hard) is now a stretch, or unattainable. But that's what I get for not singing at the level I was used to for so long. Time to suck it up and move on.
And in the meantime, I'm going to go write a children's book...
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