I go to a church where they talk a lot about joy. The concept of joy, the power of joy, how one gets joy in their life, what one can do with joy. How awesome joy is. The whole 9 yards. This weekend, the entire sermon was three couples from the pastoral team each sharing about their experiences and how they did or didn't maintain joy throughout some ridiculously tough circumstances. I didn't really think much of it, honestly. But then I went to go take notes during worship this morning (because that's how God speaks to me a lot, through my sorting through my own thoughts and actually processing them) and came across a couple of weeks ago another worship note page about how I was looking for more ways to actually have joy. And I felt like it was one of those hints (like God is going "wink, wink, nudge, nudge") saying, you should maybe actually pay attention to this and figure it out.
I've had a hard time with the concept of joy pretty much always. Why? Because joy is more or less the opposite of depression and in looking back over my life I see that I've been struggling with depression since I was at least 12, possibly before that.A Now, for someone that was always complimented on my naturally cheerful countenance (for the most part), this was a hard pill to swallow and I don't think I really ever gave credence to the idea until about 4 years ago. Even then it took me awhile to start dealing with it, at least to the point of controlling it and getting myself stable(ish). It wasn't until this last summer after everything happened with my sister and nephews that I actually actively sought help. In hindsight (always 20/20...) I should have started up on the process as soon as I graduated, if not before. But my particular struggle with depression turns me into the ultimate procrastinator, and I have had to spend months if not years convincing myself that I'm worth the effort of getting help for myself. Depression is a bitch.
Why am I talking about this? One, because I honestly think that it's nothing to be ashamed of and frankly, other people talking about their struggles in this area has helped me tremendously. If only because it lets me know that I'm not the only one who wakes up some days and just doesn't want to do anything. Some days it takes me three times as much effort just to wake up and get dressed. Some days I'm super productive and I wonder why every day can't be like that. Some days I succeed in willing myself into productivity. Some days I fail spectacularly, and that just feeds the mess that I'm already dealing with. Seriously, if failing wasn't so painful, I'd be impressed at the variety and complexity of the ways I come up with to fail. In that way at least, I always maintain creativity. (See, I try to come up with positives...)
Also, I'm talking about it because I'm really tired of being quiet about it. There's a theme in my family where these things aren't talked about, even though I know (because I analyze my family's behavior out of habit to help me figure myself out) that my struggles aren't isolated to just me. It's definitely a generational thing, whether that's because of nature or nurture, and it's not just one side either. But no matter what, it was never discussed. And it was one of those things that I didn't even question until such a time as I was in a place in my life where people did talk about it. Like when you go to a friend's house and discover that everyone's family dinners look a little different. Ironically, the one person that I know for sure dealt with it was my sister, whose name was Joy and who was considered overwhelmingly to live up to her name. That actually baffled me for a long time. How could someone who I KNOW struggled as much with depression as I do, quite possibly more, still be so full of joy? And she was. It was the thing that drew people to her, and she drew a lot of people in her small town. The evidence was in how packed the church was for their memorial service.
Over the past seven months (almost eight now...), after I got over the shock and got my life into some sort of place where I could exist without falling apart in anguish every 5 minutes, my life has more or less been fueled by one major thought: if Joy thought I could do it, I can do it. She thought I could get a job that would pay enough for me to claw my way to financial freedom, I can. She thought I could go back to school and excel in my chosen field, to the point where she offered to create jobs for me in her community (so I could move down there... which was never a goal of mine, but nevertheless she was willing to put her effort there, which meant a lot). She thought that I could reach all those heady goals I set for myself after college, which I was nowhere close to when she died. I'm still not necessarily close, but I'm a heck of a lot closer than I was in May. I was under the impression that I was moving forward then, and it's possible that I was still, but I had stagnated pretty effectively by then. And I hadn't even realized it. Having your life turned upside down tends to shake things up, expose things that you weren't even aware that you were hiding from yourself.
So now I'm going to actually get to why all this leads up to talking about joy. Because if joy is the opposite of depression and I'm really wanting to get rid of depression in my life, then the obvious answer is to get joy and get it right quick. I think on some level I already have. I mean, despite the dire circumstances when it comes to money and living space, I've done pretty well about not freaking out until this weekend. At which point there was a sermon preached on having joy in the midst of dire circumstances. Because God is good at timing like that.
Two verses stood out to me: Nehemiah 8:10b: "Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength." (NIV) In The Voice, my new favorite translation ever, it says, "Do not grieve over your past mistakes. Let the Eternal's own joy be your protection!" Both strength and protection are things that I'm a fan of, as a general rule. They certainly help when dealing with current situations, or even the implications of past situations that are still affecting you. Which is why I love The Voice's translation of the verse so much. 'Cause, come on, the Israelites at this point in time had a LOT of past mistakes to grieve over. They had just listened to a re-reading of the Law which had more or less outlined in bullet points every area they had fallen short in. And for those familiar with the OT, you know that list tended to be pretty long every time it was pointed out to them. But in the midst of that, even under the Old Covenant in it's imperfection, they were told to rejoice and find strength in the joy of the Lord. How much more is this true under the new covenant where any guilt and shame is removed the minute we step into relationship with God? I'm feeling like that's probably the best reason to be joyful right there. Not that there aren't a million other reasons, because the one thing I keep coming back to is that God is good. Unfailingly, overwhelmingly, incomprehensibly good.
Note that while I know this in my head, there's still a long way between head knowledge and living it out. I mean, I know that He is good, and really, have known for awhile. The struggle is believing it, and more so, acting as if it is so. In that way I kind of actually get why James says to count it all joy when you face struggles. Because I've gotten a heck of a lot better in the last month about trusting that somehow even if I have no idea how things are going to work out, that they are indeed going to work out. Not perfect, but the freak-outs have been kept to a minimum which really wouldn't have happened if I was focusing on anything but believing that it's going to work out. And even after the challenge of the last month, I know that this week as I prepare to possibly pack up my life and move to an as yet undetermined location in less than 7 days will be a real good test of how well I'm walking this out. Which is actually more proof in my mind that God is good, because I surely needed the reminder that joy is the key to facing down tough circumstances before this particular week.
I can think of no better way to end this post except for a passage from my second favorite book in the Bible, Philippians. Phil. 4:4-7 says: "Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Which happens to be followed closely by "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Both verses I'm going to be keeping close at hand in the coming week. May they bless you as they have and will bless me.
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